Practice In Context

2007-05-22T06:24:00.000-07:00

This Post is dedicated to all of the infrmation captured after the final BLOG entry.

video from the installation

close up of bolt action dureing construction

2007-04-17T02:42:00.000-07:00

16th April
Welcome back after Easter, not that I went away. I have, since the last post landed an interview for a technician’s job (hopefully) for one week, just before the show. The job is across the road at the art college, (if I get it) hopefully leading to more.
I have also decided to meet her in Thailand and spend a couple of weeks (after the degree is over) relaxing on Krabi Island while I evaluate the future in the company of the woman I love.(smug bastard)

I have spent most of Easter in the Church and whilst the weather has been hot and the sky has been a pristine azure blue outside, I have been inside the cold dank church. I am now ready to finish this. It was not until last night however that I came to some kind of resolution about the casts and how they will stand in the Church.

School was followed by work and work was followed by home. I ate quickly and then left for the library. I picked up a copy of Goethe’s "Faust" and read from start to finish. I said my goodbyes to Hammam who lives in the library of a night and returned home.

I was lying in bed wide eyed and deep in though until 2am but I do believe I had a breakthrough as to how I will display the work. Research and development, production and then destruction should be the three parts to the circle. Situating the casts amongst the pews does not work visually or physically. People need to encounter large groups and walk amongst them, become part of the congregation but not be able to penetrate entirely. I will record them in the pews and capture the early morning light (between 6 and 8am) where the sun comes through the alter window and lights the bullets up in a rainbow of colour.

I finally see some light in the distance, there is now a possibility of a "New Beginning". I am ready to remove myself,

"From the dull rooms of mean houses, from the bondage of mechanical drudgery, from the confinement of gables and roofs and from the venerable gloom of churches." (41)

Click To Play

The last bullet in a series of 91

Click To Play

Setting up the bullets ready for the show

Click To Play

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(41) Goethe’s “Faust" pp29

2007-04-11T04:17:00.000-07:00

10th April
The blog has now become sporadic in its upkeep. This less faithful note keeping is due to my work load and the Easter break.

Last week I managed to do a few more casts on Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday were spent in the computer room doing work on my practice in context but mostly spent building a map for the degree show. Met Stephanie Woo when she came to give me her location details for the show. We had a good chat.

Thursday I picked up Jamie and brought him up to Leeds where we worked on making a cast. I wanted him to see what I was doing and be involved. Jamie loved it and was really interested in exploring the church. We went home got changed and then went for Chinese before making the trip across to my parents.
Went to Beaston Castle on the Friday with Jamie and my parents, picked up the new bond film to watch after we all dropped in on my grandparents and then home followed by films and Lego.

Saturday we went down the park played football and then started the journey back to Jamies. We stopped at Birmingham’s Star City to watch the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film before completing the rest of the journey. Kissed him and said goodbye.

Home, beers, footy, bed.

Sunday made it into the Church at 9.30 and managed to knock out four casts. As interrupted in the afternoon by some guy trying to kick the door in, accompanied by his little children. Great example to set. I shouted for him to stop and by the time I made it to the door to investigate he had already fled up the street.

Monday I managed to do four more casts before being visited by Stephanie. I showed her around and we chatted. I hadn’t eaten all day so I asked if she fancied going for Dim Sum. I got cleaned up at her halls over the road and we went to eat. I dropped her home afterwards.

Tuesday I managed to do five casts and was again visited by Stephanie. This time Steph had brought a home baked chocolate cake (WOW, top draw) her parents are bakers back in Toronto so she knows what she is doing. We had another chat and I spent the final part of the day arranging some of the bullets around the church with the help of Steph.

Food shop, home, Steak and a nice bottle of red to accompany the Amazing Man U, Roma game. 7-1, sweat revenge for the stabbings.

2007-04-02T01:14:00.000-07:00

31st March
Spent the day in the computer room working on editing and formatting this blog. Spent the afternoon helping Dave make casts of Simons Lewandowskis head. Good fun.

Spoke to my grandfather as it was his birthday and I had sent some photos of my work in progress rather than a card. I knew my Grandfather would be less interested than my Grandmother so I sent them more for her than him.

Saturday spent the entire day in the church, had Duncan and Helen visit and take away a number of bits of furniture from the church in exchange for delivering the Alter to Rangthorne for David Calder. David had cycled across to help but we were already out of the gate when he arrived. Raced him back to Rangthorne where we unloaded and then had a chat. Shook hands and then back to the church where I worked until 8, finally getting 5 casts out of the day, not bad.

Home, broccoli and bacon pie followed by a couple of beers. Bed.

Sunday started slowly, clearing up bits from the church and slowly approaching a situation of readiness. Still got the balcony area to do and most of the Pigeon poo will have to go I have now decided. Toxic osmosis would not look good on the health and safety chart.

Did one cast which failed badly before having my parents arrive on their way down from family in Morpeth. Showed them around the church and then the university, introduced them to Hammam and then showed them the Library. Received a parcel of home made pickled beetroot, some pees pudding and home raised eggs(courtesy of the Geordies allotments) before we said our goodbye.

Managed another two casts before heading home at 6. Beer, tele, Chinese bed.

2007-03-30T01:05:00.000-07:00

Friday 30th march
Grandfather’s birthday today. I sent him some images of my work in progress, I’m sure he would have preferred a bottle of bells.

Not submitted a post for this blog all week due to being massively busy, all the girls at work have decided to take their holiday at the same time or more selfishly be off sick, so I have to actually do something to earn my corn for a change.

Bullets and church coming along nicely hit 50 yesterday and had a visit from Dave of Gateway Church on Wednesday.

Went to the show in the Merion on Tuesday night. Too didactic I thought. OK so I thought this but not using the word didactic, that was given to me the following day when Dave and John visited me in the church and brought me coffee and cake, like some poor homeless person. The technicians went through the building like a pack of dogs pawing over furniture and material to take. Dave left with a rather beautiful drape from the alter, John with a set of draws and a side table.

We discussed my work and they seemed impressed, impressed enough not to mock at least. They asked why I hadn’t filled the last place around the alter and also used the pulpit.
I explained I would not try and put bullets in the places recognised as where the vicar would stand. I wanted to leave a vacuum or space where the position of authority would usually stand or occupy. I was not trying to point a finger at the church; this would be like shooting fish in a barrel. I was pointing a finger at the congregation however. Asking about individual responsibility, there should be no leader’s only individuals within a group.

Spent the entire day yesterday in the church managed to knock out four casts before going outside and finding my car smashed in. Someone had crashed into it in the morning. Thank god the police had been on the scene and left theirs and the driver’s details. Bent my bodywork from off my back wheel and drove up the street in a car that looks now like something out of a demolition derby. 3 crashes in 18 months and I was only in the car on one of those occasions.

Had a few too many drinks last night with Vicky the Burlesque performer. Let’s be brief. Of Sicilian extraction, married to a crack addict DJ from Sheffield, performs burlesque, into hardcore bondage and other things to weird to discuss here, knows some people I know (worryingly) DJs herself and does the festival circuit. As a semi confirmed misanthrope I’m not sure I’m ready for this level of human contact.

Got home sometime around 3. Severe cramp all night waking me up in some terrible pain. Must have been all the walking.

2007-03-23T01:15:00.000-07:00

March 22nd
Got up a little later than normal and hit the church at 8, spent the first half hour on the phone to Hong Kong. She dangled the possibility that she may visit in the next two weeks once more, she would finalise plans tomorrow. Off to India on Saturday to visit friends. Their is not a country in the world that does not contain some friend of hers. She said she would do some travelling and that her friends were going to give her "One of their drivers" to help her. "Which was nice".
Made a couple of bullets before moving the stock pile out of the chapel and around the church. Surprisingly busy looking space already, even though the building is rather large. Still have another 57 to make and still haven’t moved the 14 from the studio.
David Calder popped by with a friend for a tour of the building. We had a brief chat about the alters. They should be burned and not used again, theologically speaking, but David said, that in itself would be a small crime as they are hard wood. If I move one across to Rangthorne, I can have the other. A plan I later put to my chippy mate in the Adelphi. But first home then work.

The Adelphi was busy with business and creative types, I was at the bar ordering some food when a woman started chatting with me. Vicky is a Burlesque performer and she suggested I come to her show next month at the Adelphi (The Wet Spot). We swapped numbers and then she said I should call her before then for a drink. OK that doesn’t happen very often and they are not usually burlesque performers. We shall see. Not really my type but interesting none the less.

Had a few drinks with the lads. All was good, jumped in a cab went home and crashed.

2007-03-23T01:09:00.000-07:00

Wednesday 21 March

Got up early had a big breakfast and then went into the studio/church. Managed to produce 4 bullets and then went off to work via home. It’s been the same routine now for the past 10 days or so. This has not lead to the most exciting of life styles and my hands are falling apart from a combination of the cold the water and the plaster.

So far I have managed to construct 35 bullets, 14 of which are in the old mining building. Once I work out how to move them they will be shifted onto the church site.

At work I was regaled by the days happenings in the life of Jim. Jim is a 55 year old man who cleans at South Leeds. Never taken a day off sick in 8 years and never taken a day’s holiday. When I asked why he didn’t take a day’s holiday he said.

"I wouldn’t know where to go"

2007-03-19T11:58:00.000-07:00

Sat, sun and Mon 19th March
I spent the entire weekend save some hours of sleep in the church making bullets. Very much alone,
very cold and at times, past 8 at night, a little frightened. Listened to the radio and all of the sport as I worked. Only managed to get 8 bullets done though Not quite sure where the time went. Started each morning at 8 and worked through the day.

Had a couple of beers with Alex on Sunday night at the Adelphi and then took him to see the project in the church. He was very impressed by the building and a little flummoxed by the work. .
Still this is to be expected and I’m sure when the show is on most people will see the building as more interesting than the work. We will see if this changes at all when there are many more bullets and Ronas work is also covering the floor space.

Spent Monday doing the same thing, slept in a little and did not start until after 8 so only got three bullets done before going up to the studio for a bit of human contact and a coffee. Not missing anything so I went home cleaned, ate, showered and went off to work. Same old same old.

Dug out a copy of "The Road to Wigan Pier” and started to re- read. It’s a toss up between home and note making, with Chelsea playing Tottenham or the library and Context in Practice. No prizes for guessing which I chose.

2007-03-16T11:55:00.000-07:00

16th March
OK so the blog goes on, and that’s the point really. Had a one on one tutorial with Richard today and he asked "What’s a blog” , rightly so. I must admit the blog is being used merely as a vehicle and I detest the whole second life culture and idea that anyone gives a damn what I write on the net. It is very self centred, but then Nietzsche says that

"In the final analyses all one experiences is ones self"(40)

I have been re-re-reading Zarathustra recently.

Got up and went into the church for 6.30am and started casting,
was joined by Hammam at 7 and we talked while I worked until 8.45. Went for a coffee and the paper and then into the studio, a quick chat with a number of students and staff and then into the seminar. Nice to hear the lecturers tell us that we are to do what we see fit, in the practice in context, and while some complained about not having any rules to follow I was over the moon at the scope of the field of play. As I said to Richard later, “as creative people we should relish such an opportunity to be creative and think outside of the normal dissertation parameters.” Just enough rope with which to hang myself.

Had a good strong talk with Richard, I think he realises my enthusiasm, now I just need to make it come across in my “Practice in Context”.

Went back to the church and cast another bullet before leaving for work.

Tracey arrived and declared her "Hood was not swollen or infected" she had just had her nipple and clitoris pierced. To much information I thought.

Home, beer, food, coma.

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(40) Fredrich Nietzsche “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” Penguin Books 1969

2007-03-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

Wednesday 14th March
She informs me she is not coming back in April, do you know I'm not really bothered I am surely to busy right now to accommodate visitors. She will still be going on to see her friends no doubt and she is still off to India.

Managed to construct one bullet in the morning before meeting Tony Smith from Gateway church with Rona. Tony was very positive and also keen to help. David Calder wandered in during the meeting said nothing and then left. I do hope I have not upset him.

Closed up the church returned to the studio, cleaned up all my equipment and then loaded it on to a trolley. With help from John and Dave we went off to the church (they just wanted to be nosey really) showed them around unloaded and said my goodbyes, they went back to school and I to work.
Stopped and spoke to the community support officers outside let them know what I was doing gave them mine and Rona’s name and explained they should look out for us.

Work, home, bed.

I pondered all day, how I am going to display and present the finished bullets. I am still unsure. In rows along the pews, huddled in a corner, filling the chapel and war memorial, I just don’t know yet. Need to see them in the space to know. The vestry will definitely work and I rooted out and started to assemble all manner of artefacts and bric-a-brac from the church that will go very nicely in the display cases with, my found shrapnel and possibly the baseball bats (possibly). This style of presentation s something that I enjoy in Mark Dions work. “Thames Dig” especially.

Whilst the process of Gleaning the original shrapnel from the fields of Verdun was very much like the process performed by Dion in his work, that is where the similarity ends. To help me describe where I believe my own work fits best, contemporary sculptor Beth Galston writes:

"An environmental sculptor plans a piece from the very beginning in relationship to its surroundings. The site is a catalyst, becoming part of the creative process." (38)

Artists who have influenced me both directly and indirectly in this area are Edward Kienholz, Robert Smithson, Richard Serra, Andy Goldsworthy and Anthony Gormley but to name a few. I am not working with nature as with land art/ earth works like Smithson or even Goldsworthy but placing something in an environment where it becomes part of and reacts with, its surroundings. Perhaps not in the entirely physical way of Smithson or Goldsworthy but maybe in a philosophical, theoretical even theological way.
Image taken during my visit to Goldsworthy show at the Yorkshire Sculpture park 2007

I had not chosen the exact location from the very start, once I had made a trip to Verdun and collected the shrapnel I knew that I wanted to work in a Church or abandoned building. The fact that both of these elements met in St Marks church was a combination of hard work and great luck. I wanted my work to deal with the formal, political, historical, and social context of both the church (as building and institution) and of man (as individual and constituent. One should speak of the other and serve as both positive and negative examples of the attributes of man and the man made. The relationship between the work and the church will allow the viewer to question human nature and then by default the wider construct of the world.

"The finished sculpture and site become one integrated unit, working together to create a unified mood or atmosphere," (39)

Christian Boltanski "Children of Dijon"

Conrad Atkinson, "Land Mine"

Richar Serra Bilbao, Guggenheim

Robert Smithson, "Spiral Jetty"

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(38)(39) Beth Galston http://www.bethgalston.com/env_sculpt.html
Started the day with the new routine of going to the church at 7am and getting stuck into the clearing up. Filled a few bin liners to the sounds of Talvin Singh as the sun rose through the Alter window. Then went off to school via coffee a paper and a quick call to her.

2007-03-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

12th and 13th March
I am falling behind the task now. Each day is a slog just to get the bullets complete, I now have the process nailed down to three a day in office hours but need more time outside this schedule. Will move the process down to the church tomorrow morning and will meet Tony smith from Gateway Church at 1, I think.

Met some of his mate’s yesterday evening when leaving for work I noticed them walk into the church so I went back to make sure Rona was safe. She was and they were cool, but we shall find out more tomorrow.

Getting lots of good vibes about the project now people can see the bullets being made. Need to move them out however or they will loose all impact. I need to create a spectacle as part of the critique into the human condition and the human need to create a spectacle/ show off and to grasp attention and wealth.

Even Hammam is slowly warming to the casts as they start to build in number. The cleaning of the church is coming on nicely and I have been in early every morning doing a little extra here and there. Need to replace some bulbs and clean out the toilet and the balcony but apart from this and some pigeon poo we will be almost there as far as the final condition minus the art.

Need to crack on with this Context work now as deadlines approach. the difficulty with a blog however is that there is no particular end, well not one that will meet the word count and the deadline. I must their fore resolve myself to start rapping things up from here on in.

2007-03-09T10:01:00.000-08:00

Friday the 9th March
Woke with a banging head ache, saw throat and runny nose. Out of bed at 7am as could not sleep for some time. Lots of breakfast followed by drive into school. Police everywhere around St Marks, some one must have been “stabbed up” or killed.

Library blog, emails and sun dream team, fucking disaster, still rooted to the bottom of the league just like my Hammers.

Into the studio and straight into cast number one. Managed to do three casts today and received many congratulatory and supportive comments.
Questions of how why and when, how many what material and how much. Sam Bellifante was in for the book fair and made a number of positive noises.

Went to the book fair at lunch time and saw some very interesting ideas for the presentation of my Practice in context. Still so much work left to do on that front. I need to ratchet the productivity up now. 3 casts a day to reach 90 by the end of the month and I also need to do all supporting work and written work, plan the filming of the construction process with close ups of winding turning flipping and rolling to emphasise the cyclical nature of the project. I will visit the church on Sunday afternoon and start to move furniture and clean where necessary. Lighting power and other such things to be tested as well as working out the lay out and placement of the bullets.

91 years since Marc Died 91 years since the battle 91 the average number of dead each day in Iraq. 91 bullets arranged into groups some with tops missing some intact. (Maybe) in threes or sevens or tens? Decisions, decisions.

“Oh heaven! Art is long and life is short.” (37)

Finished the last cast of the day and went home followed by work. Not a bad day.

Tomorrow I will see my son.

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(37) Goethe’s “Faust” pp 14, Wagner to Faust.

2007-03-09T00:27:00.000-08:00

Thursday the 8th March
Started the morning by going to the library at eight then on to the post office to sort out finances and then on to the lock smith to get the keys cut for the church and then on again to the builders merchant to get the plaster for the bullets, six bags in all.

Back to the studio by 10am unloaded, parked up and then got my first cast of the day done, had a group crit in my space (only one other student turned up had a brief chat and then knocked it on the head).

Cleaned the mould and then went over the park to see David Calder about the hand over of keys. He walked or rather limped with me over to St Marks (been cross country running up near Kirby Lonsdale near the lakes 11 miles in total, silly bugger) and pointed out the furniture that will need to be moved in the next six weeks as they hand over ownership. Then walked back to the studio and showed David some of the work. Had a chat about politics and the meaning of life.

David did a Psychology Degree before becoming a vicar and his opinions were quite enlightening. I made some noise about not being able to effect any change in the world and he disagreed saying that the problem is exactly that kind of thinking. People need to take responsibility for change on an individual level. I thought about this for some time after, to the point where it affected certain choices in the presentation of my work. We shook hands and I moved my car. It had a ticket on it.

Back to the studio and did another cast then went back to the church with Rona and Pete and did an informal risk assessment. Nothing to report of significance. Then went to B&Q with Rona to get some wood for her. Back to the studio and back to the casting. The studio slowly emptied but I continued until 8 when I left for home thoroughly tired and sneezing. I do hope this is not a cold.

2007-03-08T00:31:00.000-08:00

Wednesday 7th March
Had a breakthrough the day before last. Built a new wheel system to help spin the mould in one place, constructed two bullets each one remarkably thin. Will carry on for the rest of the week.
I spent yesterday making more casts and arguing with Hammam.

Did some research and reading and also had a chat with Rona about the space and the acoustics. We need to have access now and to go there and sit in and discuss how our work will be seen next to each other. I will not give way too much after all the building was sourced by me and I have driven this forward until now. I like Rona and Im sure we can come to a compromise.

Work was dire last night. Caretaker said "My wife is badly" Is she I replied, at which point one of the women said “I thought she was dead Malcolm”. "That’s right” replied the caretaker. Fuck me that is “badly” I told myself.

2007-03-05T10:46:00.000-08:00

March 6th
Early start and straight into the library followed by coffee paper and pan au chocolate. Apparently the stock market is teetering on the brink of collapse, so nothing new there then.

Finished constructing the wheel system for the bullet mould and tried it out, worked a treat, but first cast was week at the bottom and when moved it and placed it back down again it shattered.
Took some pictures of the whole thing when I smashed it and then cleared out the mould and started the process again, needs refining but I could do 3 a day if I was quick on the turn around.

Need to build a roller system so it can be spun on the spot and not rolled back and forth, the negative turn drags the plaster back off and creates and uneven spread of plaster.
Shall do drawings tonight and then go to B&Q for supplies in the AM.

Chuffed and cracking on at a pace now.

Work, home, work. Life is good, now I just need to get fit.

2007-03-05T10:37:00.000-08:00

March 4th
Woke up very early and could not stop thinking about work, good thoughts though. Must remember not to over egg the pudding.

The wheel parts for the turning mechanism were cut on Friday and I am almost ready to start developing the process in the last stage of manufacturing. All seems to be a system of revolving circles. Something that I will focus on more in the presentation of the work. Something about the Human condition and the cyclical nature of man, maybe?

Met Jake and Carl at the station at ten on Saturday morning. Grabbed the papers and jumped on the train, started on the Stella at 11 and got into Newcastle for the game at 11.30 just in time to hook up with the Boro lads and find a pub to watch Man U and Liverpool. Drank and talked, had a ham and peas pudding butty before leaving the pub on 90 mins, so didn’t see the one and only goal. Queuing for the match but didn’t get in until 10 mins after the whistle due to the Geordie's being fuck wits on the turnstiles.

Sat in the seats with the Gods looking out over Northumberland and county Durham, the match was shit but great atmosphere with the Boro support. Out of the ground and back to the old pub more drinks and then on to another, quick smoke a bite to eat and then on to the train, more drinks and hilarity. The table opposite, returning from a night at the theatre looked very unhappy at having to breathe the same air as such toe rags. Our behaviour was however masked somewhat by the very rowdy mob in the next carriage singing all the way home.

Train evacuated at Doncaster before finally re routing to Leeds and then at 12 midnight a partial Luna eclipse and more drinks at Mojos and other such bars. Taxi bed.

Got up recovered my thoughts dropped in on Alex to do him a favour then on to the library 4 hours and then on to the Chinese followed by part of the Hammers game, I couldn’t watch, finished 4-3 to Tottenham, gutted. Were going down.

Home, dishes and Cold Mountain, some drinks and bed. What a weekend.

2007-03-02T00:56:00.000-08:00

March 1st
Got to dash as its all happening now. Did first cast and its ready to pop out as we speak (or write) so can’t wait? Spent the whole day in the studio and bunked off work. Got some great ideas for the show and also for the manufacturing process.

Picked up the plaster in the morning, (what a fiasco) and spent the rest of the day using it, already used two of the six bags, I feel another trip coming on. 6.30 helped Admore move his sister across town. At 9 went to see Alex. Lots of work done to his house. Had two bits of white bread for my tea while he was on the phone, then went down the pub for a number of well earned sherbets. Hearty laughter and tall stories filled the night. I am in love with life once more.

2007-02-28T10:38:00.000-08:00

February 28th
Put the car in for its MOT at the start of the day at 7am and then walked to school in the poring rain, this following a terrible nights sleep. A combination of the wind and swirling thoughts about the show meant I stared up at the ceiling until well after 1am.

Fresh Orange and Paper as I sat waiting for the studio to open, reading week meant no library open at 8 am.

Rob let me in 15 minutes early and I was soon busy cleaning up the fibre glass mould and inspecting the coal/ gel coat experiment. Spent most of the rest of the day working on the computer and occasionally reading and chatting with other students. Still no plaster.

Put an order in for parting wax, 4 tins, gel coat 1 tin large and plaster. Will go to the suppliers tomorrow with Dave and pick up in person.
Left to get my tax disc from the post office and then home and collect my car from the garage, £360 on my car today. To say this has left me fucked for cash would do a disservices to the idea of being fucked for cash.

Work, home, work.

2007-02-28T01:47:00.000-08:00

27th February
I can’t remember what happened to me on the previous three days only to say that on Monday I started the reading week, which means business as usual in the studio and I finally managed to get the green light from Gateway Church. Phoned David Calder immediately afterwards and arranged to meet him at the church the following day. David was more than helpful and gave us permission to do all that we wanted.

Now just have to get a lock sorted by the end of the week so that we can gain entry over the weekend and start work. Will do that next.

Work is the same old same old. Moneys still to tight to mention, but the finishing line is now fast approaching.

No time to chat now, must get to work.

ps: I may be able to drop the bullets from the top of the bell tower down the inside of the tower and film the drop and impact.

2007-02-25T06:21:00.000-08:00

23rd February

Went into the lecture all smug with a great video presentation planned. Put the video on and the sound was fucked, came away looking a real tit. Never mind.

Spent the rest of the day cleaning up the fibreglass mould with turpentine occasionally talking to Dave. Tried to contact Tony Smith about the church but he was not in. this does not look good and I don’t want to have to break it to Rona if we get turned down this late in the game. Situation Leeds is looking for something concrete by Friday. Still helps me focus.

Work was shit and so was home, a bad night’s sleep was followed by the drive down south. Had a great day with Jamie if not a little short again. This time because his mother was returning from hospital with Theo and he wanted to be there to meet her, or at least this is what Mark said to me. What could I do?

Drove home having to stop and sleep on the way, strong coffee and a snack and managed to get home at 7.30. Bought beers and lottery ticket, stayed in and watched tele.

Sunday cleaned the house then went to B&Q for some plaster for the bullets; they didn’t have any. Bought some concrete to try instead. Went to Hobby craft, never again, they too had no plaster. The place was full of pale looking women who had aspirations of being creative but were instead locked into fruitless marriages and surrounded by baying kids (cynical and mean I know, but that was my mood). I need to get out of here.

Spent the afternoon in the library where I sent Emma an email about Friday and then later went to maxis Chinese and tried to buy a copy of “Tristem Shandy” from borders.

Went home watched tele read a little and then watched the Carling Cup final. Next week will be better.

2007-02-23T00:08:00.000-08:00

22nd February

Spent the previous night driving around Leeds looking for my wallet which turned out to have been at the bottom of my bag all night. Shit happens

woke up and went into Uni did the library and then into the studio. Spent the morning working on the context presentation for Friday and then spent the afternoon on the fibreglass bullet cleaning it up before being moved on by Pete for contaminating the studio with the smell of Turpentine.

Did work and then went home, showered and changed and went out to the art auction. This was the first student social I had managed to get to this year due to other commitments. It was good fun and I think we raised over £1000. My bullet went for £25 and Emmin for £250. I bought a book by Rona for £15 and had a good night all in.

Hammam was still worried about his Slade interview as he felt he hadn't prepared for the question of why Slade? he told me about how his mind went afterwards and it took him hours to cross London as he was thinking to much. Fuck me the guy needs to cut loose. Still thats why he will be successful.

Went home and went to bed.

2007-02-22T00:19:00.000-08:00

20th February

Had a lecture in the morning where people gave presentations on their practice in context. It was quite interesting and I realised my practice is quite different from other peoples. Not quit so specific but more general. Not quite sure if this is because it is informed by more things or that Im just not as clever.

Worked the rest of the day in the casting room on the last part of the fibreglass mould. Just got it completed in time for the end of the day. Not sure how good a job I did, will find out tomorrow.

Went home, then to the pub where I made notes on my project and tried to make some kind of plans for the future in respect of time scale. Realised all was hopeless until I get an answer from Gateway Church this Friday about the St Marks venue.

21st February
Spent the day in the casting room breaking off the mould and cleaning it up. Thank god it worked and nearly perfectly too. Only one small break almost unnoticeable, some air pockets but nothing life threatening. Pulled off quite a lot of plaster though. Will have to guard against this when casting.

I am in some kind of desperation about this project; the piece that works the best is in fact not progressing because of the equipment failure. I must resolve this before to long. Economy of means rings out like a bell.

Went to work and the discussion was about the janitor and his inability to live in the real world. The council boss has found out he is lying about his dead wife, you know the one he is redecorating with this weekend. Fucking nut job.

Penny has had boy number 4 and called him Theo. Still, Liverpool beat Barca.

2007-02-19T11:04:00.000-08:00

17th 18th and 19th February
Friday night was spent killing a couple of beers that were left in the fridge. Fell asleep in front of the fire and woke at 9 ish, couldn’t sleep later because of this and my mind turned to work.

Woke at 6 and lay there thinking of things I could do with the bullets and the church. Somewhere I had gotten lost and the meaning was disappearing. I needed to retrace some steps. Through the day as I repaired the car, washed clothes and ran several errands I could still not shake the idea that my work was somehow flat. Predictable and obvious, to quote a friend.

Saturday evening I went for dim sum with Alex who over ordered and only ordered cake and buns. Went back to his, had a quick smoke and then hit the Adelphi where Riky and Knighty were already keeping themselves busy. Were later joined by BBC radios Bob Walmsley, Chapel Alerton Joinery in the shape of Duncan and the RAF in the form of Pete. Pete had just arrived back from Afghanistan Watching the news about him serving in Afghanistan whilst serving in Afghanistan had shredded his head a little (that and the Taliban trying to kill him). Pete had been part of the operation that saw 2 marines strap themselves to the wings of an Apache helicopter and fly head first into a Taliban fortress to rescue their fallen comrade.

Had some birthday drinks bought me and by midnight I realised how out of practice I was when I could no longer walk safely. Tipped into a cab with Alex and soon realised I was not alone in being out of practice when Alex stopped the cab and was sick for ten minutes. A 1 mile journey took 25 minutes with periodical stops. I held it together long enough for the taxi to disappear when I myself was sick. Dick head.

Woke on Sunday feeling terrible, obviously. Water by the pint and paracetamol by the pair saw me recover enough to walk to get the car by 1. Stopped in the street by all my neighbours who proceeded to tell me all of their life stories.

There have been three times I have properly encountered all the neighbours all at once. 1st time was with friends in Chapel Allerton. Everyone came out into the street one Sunday to try and get my friends cat down from a tree I helped and caught admiring glances and smiles from my friends rather stunning neighbour, it was only later that I realised it was not me she was admiring but my painted nails and mascara from the previous nights cross dressing cocktail bender. The second time I was still living in Chapel Alerton and walked out of the front door straight into the entire street in my front yard again tending to a stricken cat. I was accompanied by an inappropriately dressed acquaintance. Yesterday I was once again hung over but thankfully alone.

Cinema, Chinese home and tele

Woke this morning went into college and into the library. Did some printing and emails and then grabbed a coffee where I bumped into Dave the tech, hadn’t seen him for a while and so we got talking. Carried on talking back at the studio. Took him to see the fibreglass cast as it stood and he asked me why I wouldn’t leave it as it was. I agreed that it was more interesting than the finished object and this started a very useful conversation about what I was going to do as a formal resolution I said I was totally lost with the exception of one thought. To build and then destroy the works. I talked about Mathew Barney Cremaster cycle and how, when in New York, I had gone round the Guggenheim after he had filmed in there and how he had documented and presented something back to the audience that was in effect a video work. He allowed you to participate, in a way, to see hear and smell everything that was also being relayed on the screens in front of you. I need to turn the bullets into a performance of research and development, production construction transportation? and destruction.

“If production is bypassed the head goes into the ass” (36)

I referenced Marshall McMullen and the identity Image and the Old men of Iron Mountain suggesting that the only real thing to do would be to destroy the casts one after another or at least start this process with the final cast. Throw them off some ledge on top of one another record this from a fixed point of view and replay the sound to echoes around the church. Create the same effect that Barney did with the Cremaster but with something a little less surreal.

Click To Play

Fixed up the bullet ready to fibreglass the last section and spent the afternoon in the computer room trying to get the computer to work. Did some stuff but had to leave at 3.45. Got to work and the Janitor told me that His wife had died at the weekend. I said I felt very sorry for him, this is now the 6th member of his family to die in the 6 months I’ve worked with him, 4 sons a sister and a wife. I wouldn’t mind but he only had two sons to start with.

I nearly forgot, I turned 31 today.

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(36) Mathew Barney “The Cremaster Cycle” pp7

2007-02-16T10:56:00.000-08:00

Friday 16th February
Got up early with a touch of wind from the haggis, I part ate last night. Rough nights sleep meant I was late and so went straight to the studio, coffee and paper in hand. Had a good chat with Dave about his recent moonlighting across the road. He seemed reinvigorated.

Started work removing the frame from the cast and prepping for the next section to be coated in fibreglass. John arrived and we did some work before he got called away by Susie to sort out her universe. No really, she’s making a doughnut shaped universe.

Started fibre glassing in the afternoon after spending lunch on the computer working on the presentation film for next Tuesday. It will either work really well or make me look like a twat. Probably work really well at making me look like a twat. Finished the second coat at four and made a dash for home, quick change and off to work.

2007-02-14T10:21:00.000-08:00

14th February
It’s Valentines Day so it is ironic that I return to the blog after spending the past two weeks with her. She has now returned to Hong Kong albeit via Bangkok and then Laos.

She came and I met her in Birmingham, she stayed with me in Leeds where she met with staff from the metropolitan uni. We visited Scotland and St Andrews, drove the Fife coast, argued and took some time to get to know one another again, or at least get used to each other after 8 months apart. She met with her old PHD professor, had lunch bought haggis and we returned home to Leeds for a day and then went to London for a couple more. I went to Tate modern, she too London Met. I did the full circuit and saw great works by Robert Morris “Mirrored cubes” and “Cacophony” by an artist who’s name evades me. Paid little attention to the Gilbert and George retrospective as I find them repetitive, obvious and lazy. Obviously I was born a little too late to understand or appreciate their impact.

Visited Brick Lane that night and had curry with the locals in a small Indian cafe, no frills and no money. Food was great and authentic. Happy days. Followed this with a cocktail and a beer before returning to the hotel.

Woke up left the hotel and had breakfast in Whitechapel at the indoor market. Bumped into Tracey Emmin walking down the street. Went to the Hoxten square White Cube and got redirected to the other White Cube. She was not amused. Visited the Royal Academy and saw Kiefers “Jericho” installation, amazing. Then onto the White Cube itself where I saw his paintings, breathtaking. I can not say enough to do them justice; I was simply struck mute by the layers and textures in his work.

I had first seen this work in an article in the Guardian some time in late January. Before I had either read the artists name or anything about his subject matter. “Rorate coeli desuper et nubes pliant iustum”, the photograph reproduced in newsprint only, still conveyed everything I could have read or understood.

If I was clever enough my words would be able to do some justice to such powerful works. If I was able to, I would extract what it was that stopped me dead when I turned the page, and what it was, about his work that I felt I instantly knew. Instead I must at length, draw upon the words of Simon Schama.

“Lately the undertaker of History has turned gardener. From deep beneath the loam of memory heaped over the canvas, Kiefers vast, rutted wastelands have germinated brilliant resurrections: pastel blooms spikes of verdure sprouting irrepressibly through the skin of a hard baked earth-rind: or peachy pink poppies trembling atop spindly black stalks that climb gawkily from bitumous slag”(33)

Further into the article Schama moves on to Kiefers underlying principles and beliefs concerning the modes and methods of the production of his work, and it is here that Schama manages to put into words those swirling thoughts and ideas that until now had been little more than instinct in my own practice.

“Kiefer does earth space not cyberspace. No luddite, he none the less has let it be known that what he dislikes most about computers is the indiscriminate quality of there memory, a universe of data held simultaneously, accessible at the click of a mouse, permanently available and impervious to either natural of poetic distortion. Since nothing may be digitally forgotten nothing may be truly recalled.” (34)

He continues,

“Kiefers work burrows away at time, and what it exposes also makes visible the painful toil of the dig, skinned knuckles, barked shins and all.” (35)

Had late lunch in Soho (at her favourite kitchen). Walked to the tube and bumped into Sir Richard Attenboutgh. Tube, followed by the drive home.

Had Jamie at the weekend and took him to stay in Windsor, well Eton common/ Dorney. Stayed in the converted barn of a 16th centaury house on the banks of the Thames. Beautiful and rather cheap considering. Went to Windsor castle on the third day and saw opulence beyond imagination. One door handle from one room was worth as much as my house. Looked at some stunning Da Vinci sketches, Michelangelo studies, Rembrandts, many Van dykes and Ruben’s. Crazy shit really, almost too much to take in and believe. I wonder what they keep in the many other rooms of this and the many other properties they have, that we don’t get to see.

----------------------------------------------------
(33)Simon Schama “review” section Saturday guardian January 2007 pp 12 paragraph 3, (34) pp 12 paragraph 4 (35) pp 12 paragraph 6.

2007-01-30T10:38:00.000-08:00

Tuesday 30th January
Started the morning positively and buffed the first layer of wax off the plaster bullet. Applied second layer and then went to the seminar. Not much was said but the group talked about the show and location problems. This spurred me on to get phoning that afternoon, which I did.

Spoke to Simon regards situation Leeds and got the same old story of ums and errs. Left a message for Andy Abbot and he confirmed the generally slow pace and indecision. Still doesn’t sound positive however and it looks like myself and Rona will be showing separately from the Situation Leeds show.

Spleen vented. I returned to the workshop and chatted to a number of people. Had to leave early to clean up the house and car before she arrives tomorrow. Can’t wait to see her.

I explained to Emma I would be in London at the Kiefer show on the Tuesday so probably not able to present, said I would try to put down onto DVD instead, to show in my absence but we will see how much time I will have for this. Need to print off selected work, record a reading, download file and then marry to images as well as produce more images and place in some video footage of the riots in Amsterdam, thieving the Banksy and the war window. I hope I can do all of this in time, as it would be better than just standing in front of the class myself.

Fran took the wooden penis I carved last year for this Thursday’s fundraiser at the Broodenel or some such venue. It will be raffled off at the “get your cock out to rock out” night. I shall have to pass by if I can persuade her to come. Might be a problem.

Home cleaning followed by work cleaning. Lawrence of Zimbabwe and Wellington of South Africa could still not believe that Tracy of Middleton calls her husband "Wanka". They have been laughing about that for two days now. Nothing like experiencing different cultures.

I will not be adding to this blog now for some time. I will be busy having life affirming experiences, grab it while you can...

2007-01-29T00:22:00.000-08:00

27th & 28th January

I spent Saturday in the library as Jamie was Ill so there was no contact. Got some useful work done on this blog. Spent the evening reading and making more notes at home.

Picked my parents up from the airport at 11.45pm, later than planed, had a good chat and a couple of beers with the old man once I got them home, and then straight to bed.

Woke in the morning had breakfast and then went off to see my grandfather in hospital. We sat and talked for a while. He said he had never experienced so much pain as he was in right now and that the medication was pissing him off making him "bilious".

In 15 years of severe pain caused by having his rectum removed because of cancer my grandfather has not once resorted to using pain killers. But then my grandfather is a bread of man not long for the Western world. 50 years in the pit give or take several out for bad behaviour, meant that even in his 60s he was a man feared and respected by all other men in the village. Now 88, the once raging inferno is now a mere flame. The blue scars still remain however, Tattoos from a harder life.

“The coal dust of which the air underground is full enters every cut and then the skin grows over it and then forms a blue stain like tattooing, which in fact it is.” (31)

We talked a little about the operation and about his recovery and then talked football quickly followed by stories about working underground. I mentioned my plan to capture his memories on tape but I don’t think he understood what I meant. He did however say this.

“I worked in seven pits and there was only ever one man who could fill his packs quicker than me, he was a Pole. (and with genuine respect) the Poles are really tough you know”.

“It is impossible to watch the fillers at work without feeling a pang of envy for their toughness. It is a dreadful job that they do, an almost superhuman job by the standards of an ordinary person. (He continues) They really do look like iron- hammered iron statues- under the smooth coat of coal dust which clings to them from head to foot.” (32)

My parents soon arrived along with my sister Sam her husband Neil and the two boys. Luckily I had some sweets to keep them occupied together with some tall stories. I think if I told them the sun came up everyday they would not believe me anymore. This time I told them a story that involved me working as a clown for the Moscow state circus and the strong man (drunk on vodka) tipping my caravan over as a prank. Whilst this did not happen to me, it did actually happen to an acquaintance working in the orchestra for the Moscow State circus at the time. When we went outside Ben the youngest asked what the thing on the back of my car was, I explained it was for pulling my caravan, now did they believe my story. The two boys 5 and 3 looked at each other back at me and then back at the car but did not answer.

Returned home and went to the library, spent four hours writing and re editing the draft blog only for my computer to crash taking all my work with it, shit!

Went for an all you can eat Chinese at Maxis to cheer myself up, read Nietzsche while I ate, fuck it!

Home and the final of celebrity big brother. The nation expunged its racist guilt by voting for the Asian Girl.

Bed.

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(31) George Orwell “The roar to Wigan Pier” pp32 (32) pp 20-21
I spent Saturday in the library as Jamie was Ill so their was no contact. Got some useful work done on this blog. Spent the evening reading and making more notes at home.

2007-01-26T11:07:00.000-08:00

26th January

Had a tutorial with Emma about this blog and more precisely the practice in context. She was pleased and had useful suggestions of other artists I might want to look at and also read. We had a friendly chat about both the blog and connected themes. I tend to waffle and deviate from the subject but Emma was positive that I was on the right track and that with some tuning, deeper reading and application I could turn out a half decent work. Probably the most positive thing I’ve ever experienced concerning anything I have written, so the rest of the morning was spent slightly satisfied and a little smug.

Home, shop, car wash and clean followed by work and a call to Jamie who is Ill. Poor baby. Change all my plans for the weekend and decide to see granddad in hospital and pick up my parents from the airport instead.

I will go home and have a drink now I will not get to see my son tomorrow. But I will go to the library and type these very words instead.

I spoke to her today; she now sounds so near, talking about visiting St Andrews to see her old PHD tutor and also a trip to London. I can’t wait to see her, this time I will be on my best behaviour. Nothing but good memories if I can help it.

2007-01-26T10:54:00.000-08:00

25th January

A good day, very well used. Woke early, some nightmares but nothing too sinister, got to school on time and went straight to it. Worked on the baseball bats all day. Stopped to discuss the Quran once more with Hammam. I said I would use a brass plaque instead of the Quran, Hammam said "Why censure yourself".

At lunch I fixed my wing mirror previously kicked off my car by local "Hoodies". Super glued all the pieces I could find back together and left to dry. I finished the first four bats and then cut out and glued the next three. Started to take step by step pictures of the process behind the making as I think it is worth noting and presenting back later in the form of a series of stills or a DVD maybe.

I had set my alarm for 3.30 to let me know when to leave. I finished the gluing and clamping of the last three bats and then cleaned up. I create so much debris and dust making these bats that my very good friendship with Dave the technician is being stretched to breaking point. Everything is left covered in a thick dust and there is little or no ventilation, essentially I am killing Dave slowly and he doesn’t like it.

As I stepped out of the building the alarm went off to tell me I should be leaving the building. The weekends events were now well behind me.

Home, work, home and dipping into "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" a book I had previously read whilst writing my Politics dissertation on the anarchist movement within the Spanish Civil War. So much time had elapsed since then and so much had happened in my life that I came to this work anew and fresh. I should have started earlier.

I put the book down and willed what little power I had left to help me watch the start of some film with Matt Damon in, playing a conjoined twin for laughs. The truth of which is that there were some laughs, although very juvenile.

2007-01-24T10:51:00.000-08:00

24th January

Despite all of the staff at work being off, either sick or on holiday and me doing their jobs, coupled with another poor nights sleep, racked with nightmares about dwarfs trying to kill me and some other bizarre stuff, I managed to start the day at full throttle.

Hit the studio at 9 am and full of Americano was straight into the workshop and straight onto the baseball bats. Cutting, plaining and sanding all day. Early doors I caught the I.T guy (Paul) and collared him about my hard drive, by lunch it was fixed and I was back in business. At about 10am Hammam entered the workshop and I asked him what he would think If I covered the Quran in resin (resin came to mind when clearing up a mess left by Helen Kaplinski in the casting room) along with other significant texts that have been used for good and for bad (over simplification I know). He looked at me as he so often does, like I was an idiot. He would not like me to use it, he said. Adding "no one would see it anyway" a jibe at me if their ever was one.

I explained that the shortlist of books that would be put into resin on certain pages would be the following.

Mien Kampf
Das Kapital
The Bible
The Quaran
Sprak Zarathustra

I need to research more and read more thoughrouly before completing the list and so completing the baseball bat rack. I know what I am doing even if others don’t or don’t care.(no this is a crap idea)

Worked on the computer over lunch and then printed off images of my work for Simon Lewandowski. In the afternoon I finished in the workshop before returning home for a sandwich and then off to work.

2007-01-23T10:23:00.000-08:00

23rd January
I’ve lost the plot now with this fucking blog. Before Christmas it was all so disciplined but since returning I have found it increasingly difficult to maintain the blog. However, the blog (“Practice in Context”) does now seem to go hand in hand with my actual practice, one influencing the other and vice-versa.

My practice is also taking a hit concerning the level of productivity. The plaster bullet is ready but John the technician is away all week and he needs to take me through the fibre glassing stage. My metal cast bullets are ready to cast but the equipment has failed. My computer work needs doing but my hard drive has given up the ghost, all that’s left for me is to read and to make baseball bats.

I carried out experiments using lazertran yesterday and decided that this was the way forward for now. The seven sins will be represented by seven baseball bats on a rack. What the rack will be constructed of I do not yet know. Books cast in resin or some such thing. The lazertran enables me to intricately decorate the baseball bats. Simon later told me of an artist he had seen over Christmas in Holland or Belgian. w Brian Jungen makes bats and also stencills words into them (more research is required) We also had a conversation about situation Leeds. I told him to check out the plaster bullet in the casting room.

Brian Jungen

I had a meeting this morning with the rest of the year. Just a catch up really. I think everyone is suffering the same winter blues. My blues have been made much worse by my own stupid behaviour.

I went to see my grandparents on Friday for my Grandmas birthday I then stayed with my parents and went out for a few sherbets with my dad. I got him talking about the pit and said I would have to record his memories before they had disappeared. He said I need my mum’s fathers as he worked underground before mechanisation.

“In a way it is even humiliating to watch coal miners working. It raises in you a momentary doubt about your own status as an intellectual and as a superior person generally. For it is brought home to you at least while you are watching, that it is only because miners sweet their guts out that superior persons can remain superior.” (29)

A statement that can be applied to almost all manual labourers.

My Grandfather goes in for an op next week; I do hope we get a chance to do it... I was pissed when we got home and still a little delicate in the morning when driving my parents to the airport in Liverpool. Following the airport trip I drove down the road into Liverpool itself to visit Rob and Linda. Rob was flush with a new job at a big up and coming internet company "Head of mobile communications" and all the money that comes with that sort of title. The Porsche 911 is already booked.

Rob and Linda married several years ago in NYC. I stayed over by myself after the wedding and once I had done most of the museums and galleries as well as going to a game at The Garden, I ended up in a bar drinking with some guy who worked on the set of “The Soprano’s”. The following morning I was trying to walk off my hangover in the Park when it started to rain heavily. I ran out of the park across the street and into the Guggenheim, which I had yet to visit. This was my introduction to the “Chremaster Cycles” by Mathew Barney.

“Barnys visual language is Protean: drawing and film unite to engender photography and sculpture, which in turn produce more drawing and film, in an incestuous intermingling of materials that defies any hierarchy of artistic mediums.” (30)
.
Barny's show had a profound influence over my practice. Whilst not dealing with the same or even similar subject matter, I never the less found his method of working and displaying incredibly interesting. Witnessing the show inside the Guggenheim made me realise the importance of the building or environment in which the work is situated effecting how the viewer approaches and reads the work. I also found the grandly theatrical nature of the show very appetising, placing the viewer inside the work. The disused church (St Marks) is therefore an integral part of my work. The Phenomenological experience of encountering the repeated casts inside the Church and what this means to each individual viewer. The Social/ institutional is about the congregation or the lack of. The local community as part of wider society or individual constituent. The discursive element asks questions about faith, science, hierarchies of power and belief. What is the piece saying? Greenberg would have classed it as “Theatre” and not art. But this does not bother me.

Rob and Linda had guests staying and nagged me to stay also. After several hours I gave in. A quick trip to the pub to watch the Hammers was followed by their guest’s arrival, introductions dinner and then the other. By the time the Ricky Hatton fight had come on I had lost my sight and was only conscious of someone’s breath on my neck throughout the night until 7 in the morning. I woke the following afternoon, confused and somewhat distressed. I placed on my shoes, thanked my hosts and glided back across the Pennines, a nice trip if not a little dangerous at points. I sorted the house out and then went down the pub to watch the Arsenal Man U game. Great game and I needed the drink to quieten my mind. I went home and slept roughly until the following morning.

Fuck me! My mouth was in shreds and blisters and I could hardly open it for the self induced grinding lock jaw. My ears now rang and fizzed making me dizzy and after some thought remembered that breath on my neck all of Saturday night and Sunday morning, realizing it had been produced by the stereo speaker sat directly behind my head, relentlessly pumping out hard house (not my cup of tea really).

The next two days would be spent in some kind of physical and mental turmoil. Not knowing what to eat, when to eat or weather I could eat. Not sleeping but when I did, having nightmares.
Not waking but when I did, doing so too late or far too early. I will spend the next weeks trying to sweet it out a little ready for her arrival from Hong Kong.

“Only the pervasive fantasy can still save us”

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(29) George Orwell “The roar to Wigan Pier” pp31 (30) Mathew Barny’s “Cremaster Cycles” pp1

2007-01-17T01:09:00.000-08:00

Wednesday 17 January
Shit! has it been that long since I last signed in to the blog? Anyway here’s a summery of the events of my life and work since the last post. The two weeks before Christmas were a non stop blur of working three jobs. Van driver by day toilet cleaner by evening and parcel thrower by night (stop if you've heard this before). The guys at parcel force were a friendly bunch. I have since had contact with a Zimbabwean called Admore, sound chap.

Went out with Jake and joy on the Friday before Christmas after finishing work. Good night out, I woke to find Nathan and Hung (his new Vietnamese wife) sat downstairs fresh from the airport. She was here to see Nathan’s step dad as he was now not long for this world. Top bloke in his late forties dieing of bowl cancer.

Myself and Nathan had fallen out a number of times over the two things that men fall out over, but each time we forgave and forget. Now we just prod each other with light verbal barbs.

Christmas Eve, went for a drink with the old man, he’s getting old, and 3 pints is now his limit. Christmas day was nice but stressful. So many family members so many problem cases including myself. We all gathered around at my sister’s house. The most normal person in the family. She has a lovely old farm house in a quite part of Cheshire so there is room for everyone to stay out of each others way.

My cousin arrived with her Pakistani husband (who is already married) whom she had left once this year and told us all how terrible he was. Still it was all a vast improvement on the previous year (two houses got torched - long storey) My grandfather continued to tell everyone about all the people who had died before him. He won’t be happy until he’s beaten us all. My grandmother continued to make faces behind his back and no one spoke of my third aunt who will not come up at Christmas due to the argument I have caused. Still, a fun day. I got to speak to Jamie and wish him all the best and that was all that mattered to me.

Mooched, and worked occasionally between Christmas and New Year. Had Jamie for three days up to New Years Eve. We had a great time. Opened Christmas presents spent time playing with my sisters boys went to the cinema had Chinese, watched DVDs and just chilled.

New Year’s eve I returned home at 9.30 got changed and headed to Mark and Tracy’s where everyone was already, mashed. I started to tan the lagers and vodka and Red Bulls. Not a bad night and not to expensive for New Years Eve. The following morning I got up and walked the 6 miles to Marks house to retrieve the car only to return and get a call from Alex asking for a lift back there to retrieve his wallet. My teeth still hurt from all the Red Bull.

I returned to the studio on the 2nd and started to potter. I found it immensely difficult to get back into the flow and in fact it was not until half way through last week that I started to make any impact on my practice.

I managed to get the plaster bullet cut on the wheel that I had constructed in the casting room. I spoke with Mat Ward, the university Chaplin who paid a flying visit and also spoke to David Calder and then Peter Mojsa of the Diocese. I have since sent emails to the development firm who will be making the purchase of St Marks and hopefully will get a response shortly.

Yesterday was the half year review and Emma and Richard seemed very positive especially about the large plaster bullets. Richard had some great ideas and we talked about how the bullets would be situated. Emma also made some positive comments about my practice in context work. I was very pleased by the end of the day. Lots more work to do though.

Work last night and a good chat with the new porter Lawrence. A Zimbabwean starting a Business masters in September. We talked politics and about his experiences in the UK. I think I was the first person in over two weeks of him working in the building to ask where he was from and show an interest. I am sure the other staff just see a black man and then shut off. After all, Africans are Africans, right?

2006-12-18T06:02:00.000-08:00

Monday 18th December
I haven’t written anything for a couple of weeks as I have been very busy working three Joe jobs. Term finished on the 9th, I think, but I started some driving work the week before and quickly got the night shift at parcel force Sundays till Thursdays and I am still cleaning in the afternoons. Same again this week, a couple days of driving each day, evenings every day as well as nights. Still, should pay for Christmas and a few weeks after.

Went to St Marks today to see the church with David Calder the rev in charge. What a great space, Rona came with me and we are both very interested in using the church for both the degree show and more importantly situation Leeds. Rona would utilize the inside and I would go out into the grave yard, I think. We now need to contact the diocese of Ripon about potential purchase dates. Electric is good, running water should be ok but we may need to bring in our own toilets.

Lots to think about but very positive.

2006-12-08T02:02:00.000-08:00

December 7th
Long, long day yesterday that bled into today.

Spent the morning following the same routine, library, studio, work. I produced a number of silicone moulds for the bullets as well as downloading images of M16 magazines and trying out some cardboard box designs to hold Soap bullets in.

I had a meeting with the show committee and Kerry Harker that was very useful, and Kerry seemed to know that I had submitted a proposal for Situation Leeds.

I went to the Odeon cinema in the afternoon to do a risk assessment, it failed. Did some food shopping went to work, came home for an hour and then went back out to work at Parcel Force van depot loading vans from ten o’clock last night until 8 this morning. A great way to loose weight.

2006-12-07T00:17:00.000-08:00

Wednesday December 6th
After being in the library and catching up with my emails I went straight to the studio. Dave was in and I showed him my news clipping from Liverpool where me and Rob had attempted to steel a Banksy, all in the name of art of course. Dave thought it was hilarious.

Spoke to Pete about doing a risk assessment on the cinema in town and we arranged to meet the owners at 2.15 on Thursday. Fran spoke to the owners and I arranged to meet her there and go to the appointment the next morning at 10.

I finished shaping the polystyrene in the morning and then spent the afternoon making more moulds of bullets out of Vina-mould. No sooner had I finished with the Vina-mould than Dave gave me a bullet he had coated in latex resin. The finish on the wax once dried in the resin mould was far cleaner than the Vina-mould finish. I shall follow this line and start producing a couple of moulds a day.

Dave invited me to make some products for the artists book fair in June. I shall make soap bullets and place them in boxes that look like ammo clips. Ak47 and M16 two different product lines. Clean up with soap bullets. Wash your hands with "diplomacy" the new soap from ----- who knows? If I have the time.

Work was followed by some drinking with Alex in the Britannia and then the Imperial. The Imperial will be our local as it is much more relaxed.

2006-12-06T00:44:00.000-08:00

December 3rd, 4th & 5th

Spent the last couple of days driving for TNT/ NHS direct in the day. Delivering nappies to old peoples homes, wipes to the mentally ill and tinned food to convicts. At night I turn into cleaning man and mop up shit -covered ladies toilets. Thanks Dino Rod.

I did have a group crit on Monday and managed to attend for part of it between jobs. Emma was not very happy with me as I "hadn’t prepared". But how can you prepare for something that you were not expecting to be able to attend. I don’t think Richard passed on my email. Never mind.

2006-12-03T06:16:00.000-08:00

December 2nd
I spent Friday working closely with John. He has guided me through the various steps of creating the large scale bullets and we seemed to make some real progress due to the lack of other students bothering him for loans and such. Most students must have been hung-over from the show which opened the night before in the dark arches.

I finished the blade, built a frame and attached it with the turntable to a wall in the casting room. I rapped the polystyrene in a blue cloth to enable the plaster to stick to the surface. I also built a tray to go underneath so as to catch as much of the falling plaster as possible.

At 2.30 I did a shop ready for Jamie’s birthday weekend and then met a couple of the girls from my year at the old Odeon in the Merion centre.

Its funny but my ideas have been reignited by this space and I have now Formed a strong inclination toward the projection room at the back of the auditorium.

After work I sat and watched the power of Art. This week was Simon Schammas telling of Guernica. Fantastic I thought, I never had much time for Picasso's preening. OK I enjoyed his Cock sculptures at the Mait foundation in the south of France a few years ago but was never really a fan of his paintings, except for Guernica. All pretensions left behind, a modernist work of art history painting that captured the terrible nature of mankind.(so said Schama)

Over the weekend and after James birthday visit on Saturday I would mull over Guernica and delve back into my love of war artists such as Nash, much to my satisfaction.

2006-12-01T00:10:00.000-08:00

December 1st
I spent the morning carving the polystyrene only for the tip to fall off. Everyone seemed to make innuendos about the phallic nature of the object, some times I wonder whether the choice of form is a little crude,
but then I think, that’s the point. Not crude in a phallic sense but crude as in mans inability to do much of anything that is not crude and I suppose in this way it always returns to the Phallic as the base representation.

The shape of the bullet has changed little during the past 150 years and so too the conflicts in which it is used. Whether the bullet, once enlarged is reminiscent of a sky scraper (one persons comment) a large penis (another person) a rocket,
projectile, missile, church, library tower or Verdun mausoleum. There is something religious, sexual and threatening about the shape. Pointing to the heavens or pointing at you, ready to penetrate, obliterate, sever, tare, launch or explode. When taller than a man and white, it looks like a monument or tomb stone, there are even traces of a bishop in full dress with pointed hat, KKK or Catholic worshiper (La Paz brotherhood). An explosive chamber designed to (when struck with a hammer) propel a chunk of metal toward a target at such a speed so that the target may sees to exist once hit. Atoms crashing into atoms. These bullets are however hollow shells, vacuous and brittle. Overblown representations of the real.

A romantic view of making would mean imbuing life into inanimate objects/lumps of matter through my labour. Passing some part of my energy/sole into the objects as I crash against them during their production, atoms are exchanged and mingle. Crash too hard however and you have destruction.

Now when you want to kill people you only need to poison, gas, evaporate, suffocate or irradiate, push a button call a mobile phone, guide a bomb or set a clock. The brutal nature of smashing a lump of metal into someone will seem strange and primitive, but will we ever stop doing it, the satisfaction gained from firing a gun is a difficult sensation to replicate. I can vouch for the AK47 which makes a sound like a giant whip crack and spills the bullet so as to do more damage on impact.
My only other direct experience of a gun was when some one once fired a Beretta next to my head (when i was a teenager)and left me deaf for some time (long story).

In the afternoon I made an aluminium template with the Help of John. The template will cut the plaster skin of the mould to the exact shape and depth required for the first fibreglass skin to be applied. I also used some brass cleaner on the successful cast; it made little or no difference to the colour.
I have discussed the colour with different people and no one seems to know why the base of the cast and tip of the bullets are bright gold and the main body of the bullet is deep purple and bronze I believe it is something to do with the wax being burnt out and then the pressure of the poured brass at the bullet tip burning the residue away. Where the base is gold there was no wax. Whatever the reason the effect is striking and desirable..

Home followed by work followed by visiting Alex and watching Newcastle play in Europe.

2006-11-30T00:26:00.000-08:00

Wednesday 30th November
After doing some work in the library on my “Practice in Context” I then went into the studio and worked a little on the polystyrene bullet mould. Simon Lewandowski gave me some information on a Canadian Artist Brian Jungen who works with Nike trainers, totem poles and base ball bats. I had a tutorial with Chris Evans at 11.20, it wasn’t entirely useful. He liked the bullets but was questioning the fact that I had put a full stop behind the work; he also drew a comparison between mine and Simon Starlings process. I had not previously, consciously made the connection. But once I had been reminded of his existence I remembered looking at his work over the summer and had realised its subconscious effect on my thought process. I need to keep better notes.

Chris argued that he liked to be left wondering about art, asking questions and not being able to get it. That wasn’t necessarily the point behind the bullets I argued, if they are to mean anything then they must be accessible to anyone yet still be an interesting concept in their manufacture and arrangement. Their is no point in trying to ask an important questions of the viewer if 99% of the viewers don’t even understand the questions. I agreed with Chris on certain things but not concerning the recasting of the metal found in Verdun.

Chris commented on the ply bullets and was impressed that I had produced them by hand, without the aid of a lath. He said they were great as studies but did not really go further than this, I totally agreed. The baseball bats caught his eye but they are not far enough on to be of great interest yet. I need to pick out my text and design a rack for them to be displayed upon.

I spent the afternoon working on some personal projects. A blown up photo of the aftermath of Weatherby races for Alex’s new house and James Birthday card (I have turned him into James Bond)
Hammam was going through his slides for his Slade application and he invited me and Dave to look. I then went home followed by work, which was shit.

On the way home I stopped off at Alexs to help him sort out his broken shower. Duncan and Bob (Alex’s ex -house mates) were there, as Alex had been ill. We went to B&Q then Duncan tried to fit the shower. Back to B&Q to replace a broken part before back to Alex’s and then back home for a butty followed by bed.

2006-11-29T00:07:00.000-08:00

Tuesday 29th November
Useful day yesterday. Spent most of the day except lunch in the casting rooms over the road. I made new sprus and mixed new moulds. I managed to Poor another couple of moulds that were set from the previous week. I didn’t expect any results as the previous ones from the same batch had failed due to the sprus being to thin. One of the two worked however and I can put this down to 2 things.

Firstly the sprus were slightly bigger and second the metal was hotter as I had heated it for much longer due to Kevin being distracted by other students.

The one Spru that worked produced three lovely bullets, gold at the bottom and top, but black and deep purple in the centre. At first I thought this was the colour of the metal but I now believe it is the effects of the burnt-out wax. I will now photograph and produce more. I may decide to leave these on the sprus as they remind me of plants or new shoots breaking the surface.

On the way home I managed to get a response out of the clergy of north Leeds and arranged a meeting for tomorrow at lunch. St Marks has not yet been sold and not yet received planning permission, Hope remains.

Work followed by home and note taking out of "Art in Theory 1900-2000". I made notes from several writers and artists before starting to read extracts of Franz Marks "forward" to the planned second volume of Der Blaue Reiter and found a deep resonance with our present time.

It was only after reading this that I discovered Marc had been killed in action in Verdun. I sat and pondered this startling coincidence for a while and then was unable to take any further information in. I went to bed.

2006-11-28T01:14:00.000-08:00

Monday 28th November
Yesterday was a good day. Sat with John the technician in the morning discussing my silly idea of making 91 life sized bullets/ monuments to go in a church for the end of year Degree and situation Leeds shows. Where as everyone else said "forget about it, not possible" John said nothing is impossible, their are only things I haven’t tried yet". He spent the next half hour taking me through the process, materials and even sketched out some designs for moulds. I now had a step by step plan of what I needed to do.

First step is to make a polystyrene bullet 20mm smaller than the final piece. Then fill out a technical assistance document and get this approved. Whilst I'm waiting on the paperwork I can cover the polystyrene in a 20mm skin of plaster, then once finished apply a coat of fibre glass. take off the coat of fibre glass like a Sheaf then plain down the plaster by 10mm all over followed by another layer of fibre glass. Again remove the layer of fibreglass intact and then build a jacket for the lager fibreglass mould placing the smaller mould inside. a system of measured bolts will keep the cavity at around 10mm ready to pour in a kind of resin. And this is how I will make the bullet.

Lecture in the second half of the morning from Chris Taylor, all about book and work presentation and design. Got some great ideas for both my practice in context presentation and also the end of year catalogue.

After Lunch I cut out and glued together the polystyrene ready to shape down, then spent the rest of the afternoon making wax bullets ready for Tuesday and fitting them to sprus again, across the road.

Work and many phone calls from creditors, will need to return home to resolve (temporarily) so I did. Shit end to a good day.

2006-11-27T00:11:00.000-08:00

Saturday the 26th and Sunday the 27th November
Spent the day in the library working on the context in practice and doing some Christmas shopping. Went to see Alex in the early evening and we went for a drink. Started at the
Adelphi next door to the brewery, moved on to The Grove, looked in at the Britannia and then walked up the hill into Beaston and went into the Imperial. Got back to Alex's and was feeling incredibly sick, called a cab and left my phone on the back seat.

I spent Sunday visiting cab offices in south Leeds to see if they had picked me up the night before. I eventually found the right one on Dewsbury Road and at 3.30 established contact with the cabi who, thank god! had my phone. Paid him to bring it to me in Chapel Alerton where I was watching the football.

Dropped Alex off and went home, ate and then went out to the cinema to watch Pans Labyrinth. Very strange very sad.

2006-11-25T05:01:00.000-08:00

Friday 25th November

Spent the day working on a mould ready to try some fibre glassing. Will have to wait until Monday when John is in however, as he is our resident sculptural genius.

Got some work done but got more value out of the conversations with Hammam, Mat the Sanfransiscan and later with Dave (the technician) and Kate from my year. The mornings lecture was cancelled so I found Mat in my space rolling cigarettes and asking about my work. Mat was carrying a book on Phenomenology with him and we began discussing how man interprets history and how we see our place within the Universe. Hammam could not help but over hear and saw this as a chance to flex his intellectual muscles. I was busy talking about my work and how I was trying to explore some of mans failings. How history repeats itself and the cyclical nature of man (the human condition).

Hammam interjected and said History does not repeat itself but rather through human constructs we interpret it as doing so, I disagreed. I put forward the idea that history repeats because at the core of all history is man and we are unchanging in our failures. Hammam accused me of being too Marxist in my views and that History is too complicated to boil down in this manner and that the many layers and influences that go into creating any one situation can not be repeated. I agreed in part but resolutely argued that when all these layers of actions, events and circumstances were filtered through, at the heart and in every corner there would be the human failures as represented by the seven sins, mans timeless qualities. To my surprise Mat jumped in and said he agreed with me. Hammam did not look so convinced. Mark Twain would have put it slightly more eloquently.

“It is not worthwhile to try to keep history from repeating itself, for man's character will always make the preventing of the repetitions impossible.” (25)

Or, as Hammam some time later informed me, “Mark Twain said something about History not repeating itself but spoke of “History Rhyming”.
In the afternoon I got talking with Kate about the TT which I was trying to organise a visit too for my father. We soon started talking about our practice and the subject soon got on to the environment and what the future held for mankind. Her father has always worked in the oil industry and so this was a subject that informed her practice. Again as in the morning our conclusion was that because of our inability to stop wanting and consuming man was destined for an enforced change, total. Everything would have to change to ensure mans existence and this would also incorporate a cull, natural disease, super bugs, war or environmental melt down.

“Many too many are born: the state was created for the superfluous.” (26)

If this view of the world seems a little pessimistic then please refer yourself to Foucault who reminds us about the fragility of human history and of man as a recent construct when he concludes “The Order of Things” by telling us,

“If those arrangements were to disappear as they appeared, if some event of which we can at the moment do no more than sense the possibility – without knowing either what its form will be or what it promises – were to cause them to crumble, as the ground of classical thought did, at the end of the eighteenth centaury, then one can certainly wager that man would be erased, like a face drawn in the sand at the edge of the sea.” (27)

Dave overheard our discussion and explained that he had not understood that this was a driving force in my work. We discussed different ways of representing this idea/ question. Dave suggested some kind of machine programmed to destroy itself with an option not to. The machine would never choose not to. Nice idea but a little complicated as I know nothing about programming machines. I had just finished reading Simon's work and this sounded similar to one of his works which never the less was interesting but not where I was trying to go.

When writing about his “ArtistMachine” Simon informs us that:

“Like all artists it is infinitely needy and pathetically dependent upon others for its continued existence.” (28)

And Simon also reminds us everything we do eventually ends up as “Landfill”.

I explained to Dave that I wanted the bullets in the church as a reference to the worship of destruction and monuments to man, and therefore my failings. I suppose what I am looking for is Absolution through Absolutism. If I could destroy everything I owned to achieve this then I would. Michael Landy has already done this with “Breakdown” An inspirational piece of work. Surely I need to destroy the casts in order for there to be a “Vita Nouva”?

----------------------------------------------------
(25) Mark Twain in Eruption (26) Fredrich Nietzsche “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” pp 76. (27) Michael Foucault "the Order of Things" pp 422 (28) Simon Lewandowski “The ArtistMachine” pp3

2006-11-25T04:56:00.000-08:00

Thursday 24th November

What a waist of a day. Woke up in a panic as soon as I realised I left my car illegally parked at millennium square, quick taxi and no ticket thank god.

Spent the morning recovering and trying to work. Cancelled work that night with a plan to stay in the studio and work instead. The plan was foiled by Hammam who entered fresh from Paris and would not stop talking about women.

I left, went home and then went out to see Alex, Duncan and Jake. Went for some shandys in Chapel Alerton.

2006-11-23T04:21:00.000-08:00

Wednesday 23rd November
It all fell apart yesterday. I tried casting the bullets in metal and the sprus failed. Back to square one and making all new bullets from wax.

Spent the morning in the dark arches, at least now I have seen the space. Went to work and then fell off the wagon (not that I was on it) in spectacular style.
Got home at three in the morning. Couldn’t afford to go drinking but I did anyway. German beer festival followed by the Victoria Hotel followed by Mojos.

I need to escape Leeds. I read an interview with Hurst last week. The reporter asked why Hurst had stopped drinking and Hurst replied "I’ve seen that movie". This statement stayed in my head for some time.

2006-11-22T01:18:00.000-08:00

Tuesday 22nd November
I will do yesterday in reverse as my head is somewhat fuzzy this morning.

Left Alex’s new house late last night after watching Celtic beat Man U and was at work before this.

University had been a day of little progress. I had made shelves for my bullet template in the afternoon, at lunch I had gone for a walk to try and find the reverend of the local church as he was not answering his phone. I had also paid a visit to the space in Headingly "25" or some such thing. Full of fucking hippies. In the morning I had done something but what, I can not recall.

I had started the day at the library and been in the studio at 9 ish. I tried contacting Igloo but again no direct response just messages left with secretary. Ah now I remember, I cut out and glued my bullets together and also watched my film of our failed art heist with Dave.

2006-11-20T10:08:00.000-08:00

Monday 21st November
I forgot to say I submitted a proposal to situation Leeds, we shall see what if anything comes of this.

Spent the first part of the morning talking to Hammam about his chair and the meaning of his work. Griselda Pollock was passing and couldn’t help becoming involved. She asked me whether I liked the piece, I said I did. She thought it was quit a departure for him.
I spent the second half of the morning discussing life, politics society and the future with Dave in the wood shop while I cut out a stencil ready for the afternoon.

I spent the afternoon cutting out and making a large bullet. I then ruined one of the baseball bats by cutting into it and then painting on it as a test. It didn’t work.

Home, work, home, bed.

2006-11-20T00:31:00.000-08:00

Friday 18th November
Friday was spent discussing my work with Alex in the morning, who had sent me an email the previous night about my show suggestions and had then stopped on the way into the lecture to have a chat. Something he has never done before. 10 minutes later he picked my name out of hat and we were partnered up for the morning. We never got to see or discuss his work as it was at home.

Lunch I met with Vince and Kevin. Kevin needs to change jobs soon as he’s given up with the management across the road. Vince was on good form and invited me to the Liverpool Biennial the following Wednesday.

I bought cakes from the fourth years and polished up the baseball bats using bri wax. I stained them in the morning. Tested one with Mahogany and Pine base and one with just a pine stain.

Went shopping for all the picnic food for me and Jamie followed by work and then home to iron and pack.

Saturday was really good fun. Jamie had a good game and played his heart out, had a chat with Penny, very unusual. After the footy I took Jamie down to the driving range where he took several pounds off me on the putting green. We ate and then watched a bit of Chingford town rugby union. We drove over to Enfield and cued for Bond tickets and got the last two seats. Bond would have been proud. After the film, which was great fun, we had some more food and then got an ice-cream on the way home.

All in all a wonderful day. Next time I see my son he will be 9. Saturday night I stayed at my parents ready to see Sami and the boys as well as my Grandfather who is still recovering from pneumonia. Had to meet Olwen, mums younger sister, for the first time in 6 years. Olwen and I used to be very close; I would eat out with her in London, leave the office and meet her for lunch or dinner. We made some kind of peace under pressure from my Grandmother. Until my mum receives an apology from Olwen their will be no real peace, and rightly so. Families are great.

Drove home and met Alex at his new home in Beaston. Helped him do a little unpacking and helped drink a load of beer and had a smoke with him. Got in a taxi and went home where I collapsed in front of the tele before retiring to bed with blurred vision.

2006-11-17T00:11:00.000-08:00

Thursday 17th November
After the Library I went into the studio and played the video of me taping up the window.

Click To Play

I then went for a walk down the road to find the university Chaplin. I spent an hour with the Chaplin both in his office and then in my studio talking about my work, conflict, history, faith and the world in general. I explained that I was an atheist but was also honest when I told him I was beginning to question how people are going to survive without some kind of faith.

Mat, the Chaplin gave me the contact details of the relevant C of E people in Leeds who may be able to help regards space for "Situation Leeds". I already have one space earmarked but now need to talk to other people about St Marks and the Church at Hyde Park corner.

Spent the rest of the day bringing the baseball bats to a fine finish. A quick visit home followed by driving to the airport to pick up the folks and break the news to my mother of her father’s illness. Took them back to mine, watered and fed them and then said goodbye as they drove back to Cheshire and I went off to work, an hour and half late.

Home followed by bed and no sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about my studio work.

2006-11-15T10:52:00.000-08:00

Wednesday 16th November
Library at 8 and studio at 9. Coffee, collect my DVD (that was burning overnight) and then a quick sit down with the paper and Band of brothers "The Day of Days" episode. All the men in the vicinity including myself, Hammam and the three technicians stopped and stared as we watched the Normandy landings rein-acted for our entertainment. War is to men as flames are to moths.

Over the start of the year I had brought a number of different films in to play whilst working. “A Space Odyssey 2001” was one of the first films to be played and the Screaming Monolith was in some ways a starting point for my thought process for this years work. The Monolith in Kubrick’s film seems to represent “A new beginning” or “Vita Nouva”. A stage of development or catalyst for change. Instigated by an alien force. Arthur C Clarke’s novel gives us more detail of how the monolith is part of a vast alien computer of which the Human race is a product.

I got busy with the second baseball bat and by the end of the day had both somewhere near complete, as far as shape is concerned.
At lunch Hammam beat me at chess and then I went across the road to the metal casting workshop. Kevin hadn’t had chance to do anything again so I finished the sprus and mixed the casting liquid.
Kevin dropped one when moving it but it only took several minutes to make right and clear up the mess. At 3 I returned to the studio and completed the baseball bats. 4 o’clock rolled around and I made my way to work.

Got a phone call from my big sis, my granddad was very ill and she wanted to let me know as I would need to tell my parents when I picked them up from the airport tomorrow night.
I used to spend a lot of time with the old boy but then we started to wined each other up. We played golf twice a week, I was 17 and he was 75 yet it still became a little too competitive. He’s my granddad so I can’t say too much, but he’s always been a hard man, maybe just a product of his environment?

He once told me a story about how he was around a friend’s house when he was in his early twenties. There was a group of them playing cards, all were Durham miners. My grandfather dropped a card and bent over on his chair to retrieve it from under the table. In the candle lit gloom of the back room he saw what appeared to be a small football rolling around under the table, as he strained his eyes to see what this strange mass was he realised that it was in fact a large pile of cock roaches huddled together for warmth. Like I said, the product of his environment.

England plays tonight.

2006-11-14T10:28:00.000-08:00

Tuesday 15th November

Last night I finished work and returned home, dug out my trainers and jogging gear then looked at them as they lay on the floor. I slumped onto the bed stayed there in thought for several minutes then went down stairs. I am ashamed to say I watched the beginning of “I’m a Celebrity” before going to bed. I managed to ignore the impulse to buy some beers.

It was raining in the morning so I drove in to school. I started work on the baseball bats as well as burning copies of films I had made and borrowed. The film I had borrowed was from a friend of my fathers from Amsterdam. Back in the 80s he had made a film about the squatter’s movement in Amsterdam and its fight against the government. The same guy had looked after my father for several weeks in 1984 when he had stayed there as a representative of the N.UM. Several weeks before my father’s visit, I too had been their guest. The baseball bats in that way were connected to the film. I had remembered the scene of the baseball bats lining the corridor of a squatters bar, all racked neatly one after another, each accompanied by a gas mask. Over those weeks I travelled on a Dutch barge around Holland using Amsterdam as a base. I experienced many new things and most importantly I experienced another way of living. We held up supermarkets, jumped trams, frequented illegal bars and visited galleries. I was only 8 but I was given the job of running the bar on the barge and some mornings, when I was up before everyone else (as 8 year olds always are). I would steer the boat whilst the guy usually doing this (a Yule Brenna look a like dressed only in Y fronts and wellies), would fill his pipe and watch.

Much of my political opinion is formed from my experiences that year. The illegal arrests, beatings and detentions, the travel restrictions, mail opened phones tapped, houses watched and family's split (no I must have got that wrong, that couldn’t happen here, not here in Britain). It is my political opinions and love of History that form the foundations of my work. The experiences of 1984 taught me a lot about the limitations of the governments power. My social roots were soon forgotten however.

“Just look at those superfluous people! They acquire wealth and make themselves poorer with it.” (22)

Would have been an accurate description of me in my 20s. It took me years to realise once more that

“Truly he who possesses little is so much less possessed: praised be a moderate poverty.”(23)

Bullshit! Being broke is no joke. I can however recommend a bit of hunger to anyone who is finding life unfulfilling, lacking stimulus or just struggling to motivate themselves.

“Ill gotten wealth ensures the soul consumes the blood” (24)

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(22) Fredrich Nietzsche “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” pp 77 Paragraph 3 (23) pp 77 paragraph 7 (24) Goethe’s “Faust” pp 110. Faust talks to Mephistopheles.

2006-11-13T09:58:00.000-08:00

Monday 14th November
Slept in after the alarm went off despite going to bed before ten.

Library followed by studio and then into the practice in context seminar. Sometimes I think im on the right track with this and other times I think I couldn’t be further from the point. Spent the second half of the morning discussing the show.
I had a small argument with some of the members of the third year show. I was accused of not contributing.

Hammam said he was suffering similar problems in his year and suggested we do a show together, maybe even get others in a similar predicament involved as long as it worked as a group. We shook hands but I doubt that he meant it.

Spent the rest of the day making ply baseball bats.

Left collage at 3.30 and went off to work. I had to ration the bin liners as we still hadn’t received the order I placed. Oh the heady world of cleaning.

2006-11-11T04:02:00.000-08:00

Friday 11th November
Started the day brightly and walked into school. Had a talk by Simon Lewandowski about his interest’s influences and some of his work, and got to ask some questions.

It was good to hear someone talk about there influences being something other than the prescribed texts of philosophy and art history and critique. Simon enjoyed Fiction as much as anything and one particular book stood out “The Third Policeman” is a book which I read over the summer. A curios book that I should read again when less committed to other tasks. Simon made particular reference to one part of the story where one of the Policemen shows the main character a series of boxes he is making, each smaller than the next each fitting inside the next until so small as to be indiscernible to the eye. The halving of halves, is a task without end.

“Six years ago they began to get invisible, glass or no glass. Nobody has ever seen the last five I made because no glass is strong enough to make them big enough to be regarded truly as the smallest things ever made. Nobody can see me making them because my little tools are invisible into the same bargain. The one I am making now is nearly as small as nothing.” (18)

Popped across the road at lunch but they were all busy, so bought some paints and returned to the studio to try out some of the black and white images on the test barrel.

Left James and Hammam in the studio playing chess, now a regular occurrence. On the way back home an obscure memory was triggered by god only knows what and I thought of the baseball bats I had seen racked up in Amsterdam in 1984 and how each bat was accompanied by a gas mask. Really rather an interesting idea. I surfed the net on the job seekers computers at work looking for baseball bats and gas masks. I will make the bats from layered ply like the bullets but will have to buy the masks I decided.

After work I picked up Jake and then went around to see Duncan. Duncan’s life long mate Neil was there. I hadn't seen Neil since I had made his partner cry. After seven years in her company and several incidents where I felt that she had deeply insulted me I had made an effort to stay clear until a night down the pub and I was forced to sit next to her. I was very drunk and became abusive at every utterance from her mouth. Not my finest hour and frankly made myself look a bit of a dick. The irony is that the discussion was about a list I had compiled off all my transgressions and how I wanted to use it in my work somehow. The list contained 72 transgressions or things I later realized I had regretted or simply should not have done, by the end of the night the list was up to 73.

Saturday morning I spent in the library followed by spending some of my Euro millions winning down at maxi Chinese restaurant while reading this months copy of Artist News Letter. I then walked home and went to the Showcase to watch breaking and entering. How gay am I, I thought. Saturday night alone at the cinema watching a chick flick. Still it kept me out of the pub.

Sunday morning I cleaned the house and car, ready for a flying visit by the parents on the way to the airport and Prague. Took them for dim sum and green tea. Dropped them at the airport and then went down the local to watch Liverpool get stuffed by the Arsenal. The new landlord is a Glaswegian and supporter of the Hoops. We had a good chat, his name is Kevin. Kevin had lived in Leeds for 5 years and this was his first time running a pub. He had that stone grey parlour that only Glaswegians can carry off without actually being dead.

“The Britannia” is on the wrong edge of Holbeck and there is always an interesting mix of Africans, White bread Yorkshire, settled Gypsies, alcoholics, prostitutes, criminals (selling moody goods) or just gangs of rowdy drinkers and sometimes me. An ambulance arrived and the medics disappeared into the ladies, half an hour later they wheeled out an unconscious woman. She looked about 60 but given the neighbourhood, she was more likely 40 and a regular of “The Britannia”. Despite the incident all of the punters carried on about their business. One of the bar staff enjoying a day off got up and collected the mop and bucket to help the landlady clear up whatever mess had been left. If there was not so much abundance in Britain at present I would call upon words from “The Road to Wigan Pier” to help put this existence into some context. Holbeck is however still made up of the type of housing described by Orwell when he wrote.

“Towns like Leeds and Sheffield have scores of thousands of back to back houses which are all of a condemned type but will remain standing for decades.” (17)

Houses that are now unaffordable for nurses and teachers. So these are different times, albeit some of the problems of the 1930s remain. Nietzsche might possibly summarise modern Britain as follows.

“I call it the state where everyone, good and bad is a poison drinker: the state where everyone, good and bad loses himself, the state where universal slow suicide is called life.” (18)

Ok so he’s not actually talking about the first entry in the Oxford “Alphabetical book of Poisons” (Alcohol) but he is talking of that which goes hand in hand with this problem, and I’m sure when he used the term “Poison” , Nietzsche knew full well its multiple meanings.

“The state is the coldest of all cold monsters, coldly it lies, too: and this lie creeps from its mouth “I the state am the people”. (19)

There are many ways to poison the mind of the people. In the age of the internet, the tirelessly hungry 24 hour news, marketing, PR and political spin the people are attacked from all quarters by the state message, “be frightened, be afraid you have comfort and wealth and others want to take it from you”. So when in my work I ponder why it was so easy for the state to take us into an illegal and barbaric war some 90 years after the 1st World War I need not look any further than our duplicity through ignorance and fear. If the world is to change then people must change and throw off the suffocating system that restrains us. First though, we need to sober up.

“Only there where the state ceases does the man who is not superfluous begin, does the song of the necessary man, the unique and irreplaceable melody begin.” (20)

Ensconced in a small remote cottage on the Isle of Jura, Orwell produced a work of fiction that says all you need to know about our current State. The eternal war with Eurasia, the ever-present big brother watching through cameras, the double speak the rewriting of history and the paralyses of fear.

“WAR IS PEACE
FREADOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH”
(21)

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(17) George Orwell “The roar to Wigan Pier” pp 23 (18) Fredrich Nietzsche “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” pp77. (19) pp 78. (20) pp 77 paragraph 7 (21) George Orwell “Nineteen Eighty Four” pp 7.

2006-11-10T00:34:00.000-08:00

Thursday 10th November

The alarm went off earlier than usual. I ignored it and fell back asleep. No run this morning but I would make up for it by walking the 4k to and from school. Unfortunately I slept in so was in a rush and jumped in the car. Still, I meant well. I will try again tomorrow.

I had received an email whilst in the library, it was from Hong Kong. She says she will be in England for January, that she has meetings at the Metropolitan University and London and would like to see me if I have the time and if I can behave myself once she leaves. I bought a phone card with the paper and made a call.

I spent the morning working on a film I am making out of images from my life, particularly the past 5 years. Each image is set at 0.00.02 seconds, so that they blur into a continuous stream/loop. I am trying to recreate the sensation claimed by many to be experienced in near death situations.

Click To Play

As I get older death seems to be everywhere and more often than in the past I start to think about my own death and what I will leave behind for my son if it comes sooner than hoped for. After starting the film I visited the “Paranoia “ show being held at the Leeds City Art gallery there was a video piece in the show that also used still frames at high speed to generate the illusion of movement and speed that disorientated the viewer. The film was backed by contemporary Chinese folk music. The film drew me in and spurred me on to continue with my own work.

Its funny how certain images stand out for certain people. Hammams first question was "who is the blonde in the bikini up that tree". My friend’s wife I told him.

Finished polishing my last bullet and did some tests on the large Macket barrel that sits on my studio floor. I keep returning to multiple images. In this respect I am very much the product of my age and the technology that extends my being.

The large scale monument will only be possible if the right location is found and I have still received no word from the Church of England and the diocese of Ripon regard St Marks Church. I will dress up next week and visit there office next to Patrick Studios. It is harder to say no to some one face to face than electronically.

At work that night the caretaker had brought in a portable TV and watched all the soaps whilst complaining about being forced to watch them when at home with “The Wife”. I left him to it and went off to read.

Home and bed. I should have been down the pub but I phoned and made an excuse about being skint. I need to get back into shape I thought. Maybe tomorrow I will make it out for a run.

2006-11-09T00:38:00.000-08:00

Wednesday 9th November
Usual routine followed by a good chat with Dave, Pete and Hammam in the morning and helped bring in a load of wood with Pete and Dave. I made contact with the Dioceses of Ripon later in the day, about St Marks Church. I await a reply.

Worked on finishing my last wooden bullet study and got it covered in Bee wax before popping across the road to Leeds collage of Art & Design. I managed to get 15 bullets fixed to sprus ready to have the liquid poured in and set.
Kevin reckoned next week I can start casting. I met an Iranian guy who loved the work I was doing, he knew about the types of bullets as he had been in the army and was a keen marksman. Told Kevin I would call in for a pint later in the week.

Back in the studio the topic of conversation with the help of James and Hammam was back on women. Hammam was still telling anyone in ear shot about his weekend conquest, a Yorkshire Jade Goodie. Hammam maintained that to find a beautiful sexy adventures intelligent woman was akin to finding the Yeti. I disagreed citing my last relationship. Before I knew it I was leaving the studio very depressed and feeling like making a phone call to Hong Kong.

Work was ok; I surfed the net and read the paper. Tracy (a bulldog of a woman with a woody woodpecker laugh) told me all about how she is bleeding out of her rectum and what the doctor did to her with a camera, to much information, I thought. Home, a bit of tele and then bed.

I will get up early and go for a run, I thought.

2006-11-08T00:51:00.000-08:00

Tuesday 7th November
Life can be a bit of a Rollercoaster. Library at 8 studio at 9. Quick chat with Hammam and Dave who both laughed at the 3rd year degree show name, and then laughed some more.

Meeting at 10 with Andrew Clay at the Round Foundry. Andrew Gave me loads of information about the collection of buildings and their owners and who to approach for projects in the spaces outside.

I left feeling very upbeat. I then went to China Town but no one there new the landlords contact details. Apparently the building is earmarked for demolition anyway.

Went back to Uni and had a chat with Dave who again put me off attempting anything too big. The long and the short of it was he would rather see me return to a project from last year and start casting models.
I thought about this long and hard and realized that when he said my current project was not as clear as last years he was right. I still hadn't worked out what I was trying to say or the question I was trying to ask. I spent the afternoon in a small amount of despair as I cast wax bullets ready for the following day.
A ray of hope appeared on the way home as I turned the car near St Marks Church (abandoned) I took a quick look and decided this was the venue I had been looking for.

Work was shit so I decided to spoil myself with a steak dinner and several beers. 2 beers in and I started flicking through initial notes I had made in the summer about things that were on my mind and which had been the starting point of my current project. All of a sudden I gained a lot of clarity about why I was pursuing certain ideas and not others and what it was I was trying to ask. I quickly wrote down a few words, which were as follows;

Man has ceased to believe in a higher being and placed his faith in science, a science funded and driven by the military machine. Our new higher being is money. War makes money and drives science forward but what now that our environment is changing. Have we started to create our very own living Hell?

Once this was noted I picked up Marshall McLuhan again and read the passages I had marked out.

"Readiness for war characterizes contemporary social systems more broadly than their economic and political structures which it subsumes." (14)

He continues on the following page;

"The corporate word from the old men from Iron Mountain is that war is an inseparable feature of the economic establishment." (15)

McLuhan then points out the vicious circle we have gotten our selves into when he writes;

"The Old men of Iron Mountain have not a clue to the origins or persistence of war as a quest for that identity that is always threatened by technological innovations. They are quite aware of the vast research and development activities that are accelerated by war, but it has never occurred to them that the innovations resulting from this research and development are precisely the ones that obliterate the identity image, indispensable to peace and tranquillity among nations." (16)

I retired to bed slightly drunk and swollen from red meat.

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(14) Marshall McLuhan “War and piece in the Global Village” pp 116. (15) pp 118 (16) pp 120.

2006-11-07T00:34:00.000-08:00

Monday 6th November
I had a good day yesterday despite first having to go up to Middleton to return the keys I had taken home by mistake.

Seminar in the morning was fun despite my initial fears that I had returned to playschool. Emma got us all making things to wear from copies of our work and then forming shows and making us think about the process involved in putting a show on. I luckily ended up in a group containing two foreign students, which is always more interesting than the locals (me included) Prague I’ve been to over a decade ago when they beat Russia in the Olympic ice Hockey final, that was a hell of a party. Sanfransisco I have not been to, but I am sure it’s more interesting than Leeds. I then sat in on the year meeting for our degree show and was disappointed by everyone’s acquiescence into banality.

Had a very useful session in the afternoon with Emma and students from my year and studio. I was made to think about this Blog and also about how to work in more information about my practice without it seeming contrived or convoluted. It was interesting to hear some of the other students speak. Our studio seems to have a good group of people.

Anyway I had to cut the love-in a little short as work beckoned. Work, food shop, home telly, bed.

2006-11-06T01:47:00.000-08:00

Friday 3rd November
Friday was a good day. Studio was busy despite it being reading week. I got some good clean bullets made of jewellery wax ready for my visit across the road to call for Vincent and Kevin. Left the bullets in Kevin’s office and then took them both for a pint.

In the afternoon I took some of the fourth year girls from my studio, down to see the Physics Barn space.
On a second visit the space looked more appealing, and I wondered weather I had made a mistake in not taking it immediately. We shall see.

Got in touch with SJS who own the Egyptian building and received a polite "sorry but nothing goes on in the building as it’s structurally unsound" answer. Spoke to a contact at the Round foundry and he said he would meet me at 10am on Tuesday.

Friday night was work and then home. I let the women finish early as they all had family fireworks to get back for. Packed my bags and collected up all Jamie’s Transformers ready for Saturday before knocking myself out with a couple of beers.

Had a great day on Saturday, after football we went for Tapas, their was nothing on at the cinema so we bought fireworks and went to play football. Once we finished playing at 5 we started to light fireworks. We both enjoyed the rockets the most until one nearly blew me up with a premature explosion. Comic, lemonade and pocket money followed by home. I had taken a pound out of his pocket money for telling his mum a fib. We kissed and said goodbye.

Penny said I could take him to the football from now on as it was during my contact time anyway. This was something I had suggested several months ago, but then that was before she was pregnant again.

Drove to Liverpool, bonfire and fireworks gone but still some scouse left stewing in the pot. Cooked over two days. Robs Staff/ Pit-bull cross, waited at my ankles for some scraps which I obliged with until Robs wife, Linda said he’d already had 3 bowls. No wonder he resembles me around the waist.

Everyone was disappointed I had not brought the DVD of me and Rob attempting to steel a Banksy door from a disused building in Liverpool. The Liverpool Echo ran the headline “Forget Klimpt, Art thieves eye up Slater Street door”(10)

Click To Play

Had some interesting conversations, Linda’s sister Julie had just had two boob jobs. Julies husband Carl, had just seen a woman killed when she got sucked off the platform, the draft catching her umbrella and sending her onto the tracks where she was hit by the oncoming train. Such is the fine line between life and death. I retired at 3am and left the entire older crowd still going at it until 5.

Woke and took the Dog for a walk on Crosby sands. Just me, the shivering dog and a hundred or so casts of Anthony Gormly. “Another Place” by Gormly is another of his works like “The Angel of the North” that seems to strike something within people. Gormly, whether intentionally or not, has started to have a slow effect over my practice. More and more I have started to work through a sculptural process.

“The reason I went to sculpture was to escape words, or to communicate in a physical way.”(10)

Since my work with the Yorkshire wildlife organisation at Spurn Point my most successful and fulfilling projects have been site related, not specific. As prescribed in “One Place after Another” by Miwon Kwon. (11)

“What is this work that I do? A kind of mad DIY ritual for one in which I am the alter, the sacrifice and the celebrant, trying in some pathetic way to make something of my life: to make the moment matter, an act of resistance against amnesia and the way that moments have of disappearing into oblivion.”(12)

The idea of making a sculptural object or objects to be placed in an environment where the viewer may not be expecting to find them interests me deeply. Through Gormley’s success the surprise is mostly gone yet the impact and the audience involvement are not diminished. The world is the Gallery.

“The subject of sculpture has to be being: what does it feel like to be alive? Set aside all ideas of representation and replace them with reflexivity. We have to allow for a heightening of awareness that links the act of perception with being itself. The perception of art is similar to that of nature. When you stand beneath a mature oak, or looking at a glacial lake, or at a mountain, there is the sense of being held in the presence of something that is greater in terms of time and more resilient in terms of space, rooted present, and present-ness of that perception enters into your being. I think works of art aspire to this condition of present-ness and so can endow the viewer with this heightened sense of self.”(13)

Liverpool has now supplied a number of influences to my thought process. One not already mentioned was the untitled installation of upturned boats in St Luke's Church by Slovenian artist Mattej Andraz Vogrincic.

Spent the rest of the day watching Sky Sports only getting up to fetch the papers and my breakfast. Watched the Hammers beat Arsenal followed by Tottenham dish up Chelsea before returning to Leeds.

Got home and went to bed.
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(9) Liverpool Echo November 30th November 2006. (10) Antony Gormley “Learning to Think: Sculpture as Physical Intelligence” pp1 http://www.antonygormley.com/ (11) Miwon Kwon “One Place After Another”. Kwon believes that a “Site Specific” work must have three types of site specificity. Phenomenological, social/ institutional and discursive. The institutional is a bridge between the phenomenological and the discursive. (12) pp2 paragraph 5 (13) pp paragraph 13

2006-11-03T00:13:00.000-08:00

Thursday 2nd November
Didn't get into university until after 8.30. Printed off all my emails associated with the course and put them in a nice ring binder. It made me feel efficient.

I Started work on another Ply bullet that I had left overnight to bond. Had an argument with Hammam about how his year group behave.

I got an email from Hong Kong, short and not so sweat. I would rather correspond occasionally and let her know I am getting on with my life. I have neither the time nor the energy. She has made it clear that I do not offer her a secure enough option to leave her current situation. The worst thing is, she is right. She has been very good to me in other ways. Tried to educate me, by buying books by Foucault, Baudrillard McLuhlen and Siad, taken me places and told me things. She would come and go as she pleased 4 months here, three weeks there, a month in Thailand, 2 months in Vietnam, a couple of weeks in Scotland a cumulative year in England and few days in Wales. Not enough to be real. Once the PHD was completed the chances of us spending much more time together were always slim. I will not phone her until Christmas.

I decided to look for a venue in the afternoon and scoured the run down buildings around the city centre. I am interested in run down buildings because they would provide a better context for my work than a white cube space.

Home - Work - round to the lads to watch the footy and a couple of beers. Dropped Jake home after giving him his Star Wars Transformer for his birthday and he gave me some money for another friend. By the way Jake is 33 and a great friend. Jake collects still boxed Star Wars figures he now has a full set of the original figures in the original unopened boxes. What ever gets you through the day?

2006-11-02T03:42:00.000-08:00

Wednesday 1st November
Woke up after a shit night’s sleep and went straight into the library. I didn't feel so good all day and by lunch time I was in a bit of a slump. After lunch I went across the road to see Kevin and he showed me how to put together some casts and how to use the wax injection machine.

Home - work, a brief conversation with James, nothing to report except mum has arranged for him to go out on the Saturday night so asked if I could return him a little early, no problem I said, which was not strictly true. I had planned a bonfire night but it is not for me to decide. I said I would meet him at Hoddeson to see him play football on Saturday morning at 10am and then go out for the day.

When I got home I thought fuck this and went down the pub. The Grove Inn is on the edge of Holbeck (the good edge) hidden under the shadow of the new Sky Scraper. Their is always live music on and often musicians will just sit in one of the many snugs and just play. I parked myself in the non smoking room for some privacy and spent a couple of hours drawing designs for a giant bullet.

Got a call from Rob (an ex work colleague and close friend) who invited me over to his bonfire night party in Liverpool on Saturday night. Rob is an exec for a large telecoms company. We met working in London for Pilkington Glass and he moved in with me when James Mother left or was thrown out, depending on who is telling the story. We lived together travelled together and got in lots of trouble together and even though our lives now travel on vastly different paths we still see a lot of each other, top bloke.

When the leffe Blond started to take its toll and make the ruler twitch I decided to head for home and bed.

2006-11-01T00:15:00.000-08:00

Tuesday 31st October
"What a difference a day makes, twenty four little hours". Usual routine followed by a request from Hammam to contribute some work to the show he's putting on next to the University Gallery. I said I was honoured. Now I just need to find something to go into the show. Hammam likes the large red (Faustian-Esq.) circle I've painted on my floor, and also any brass bullets recast from the shrapnel I collected from my three days walking around Verdun.

Verdun had been chosen by the German Crown Prince as the place where Germany would “bleed France white”. Verdun’s heavily fortified town represented French national pride and was also the key to Paris.
Over 20 million shells fired in one battle, the largest and longest battle in history. Over 8 months of continuous fighting withn an area of 10 square miles, resulted in nearly 1 million casualties.

Three weeks ago I had decided then was the time to visit, and left the very next day to look for my shrapnel.
24 hours later I was very much lost in the ominously named Mortte Homme Forest, stuck in thick bramble and branch, ankle deep in mud, when I noticed an animal the size of a large dog with a bushy tail, only twenty yards away. Do they have wolves in Northern France? I pondered. Probably, I told myself. The second thought was who knows that I am here? Only my Tutor Richard Bell. I made my way out of the Forest.

I did not enjoy being alone in the forests of Verdun. I could not bring myself to scavenge around on the Forest floor, utterly crater marked and trench scarred as it was, as if in painting by John Nash. “Ypres Salient at Night” or the more striking “We are making a New World” being two of my favourite works.

90 years had seen the trees return from the same kind of pitiful stumps recorded by Nash’s masterpiece, yet the floor after all this time would no doubt still be rich in the debris of conflict and death. The guide book carried the following warning.

“It can be difficult and dangerous to walk through the forest because of the shell holes and un-detonated explosives.”(6)

The Forrest, vast and dark, lay deeply silent now, every hole lay in front of me like an open grave, making me think of lines from Wilfred Owens “A strange meeting”.

“It seemed that out of battle I escaped
Down some profound dull tunnel, long since scooped
Through granites which titanic wars had groined.

Yet also there encumbered sleepers groaned,
To fast in thought or death to be bestirred.
Then, as I probed them, one sprang up, and stared.
With piteous recognition in fixed eyes,
Lifting distressful hands, as if to bless.
And by his smile, I knew that sullen hall, -
By his dead smile I knew we stood in Hell. (7)

I later read the following official account of the clear up operation following the battle.

“In every shell hole there were one or more corpses. There were human remnants and mangled limbs everywhere. We walked along an almost entirely filled up trench where we can see here and there an arm a leg or a head coming out.” (8)

During the three days walking I had only the occasional farmer to inhabit the landscape with me and so my thoughts would run through a myriad of memories. Bill who I had known or rather briefly befriended had served in the trenches of the Somme at 16, receiving the George cross for his trouble. My Grandmothers brother lost at Ypres and her father serving on the Somme. My Grandfather struggling to understand his own life. His father lost to influenza on returning from the war meant his mother was plunged into the Work House, where, my grandfather’s earliest memories were of his brother’s birth and the death of his mother. His only experience of the wider world being a grand tour of North Africa and Western Europe. Stopping off briefly, to clean out the ovens at Dachau before returning home after four years away, un recognised by his own children. I do miss him.

Such memories are not unique or uncommon. It is a sorry example of Human history that such events and experiences are visited upon people daily, throughout the world. Events considerably more confused and harrowing than those mentioned.

If the forests looked as though they had been painted by Nash then the fields appeared to have been painted by Kiefer and global warming meant record breaking September and October weather.

The fields were once again heavy with crops leaving me none of the ploughed fields hoped for.
The only success I did have in Verdun was walking a field containing very new crops, and as I had done so 18 years ago, on the same battle field, I found lump after lump of debris sitting on the surface.

I photographed and picked up all I could carry, before being chased by a farmer on his tractor. I ran into the Forest and hid in a trench. I will take my chances
in the Forest with its unexploded ordinance, Wolves and ghosts rather than with an angry French farmer.

detail of shell compared to detail of surface of Mars

Anyway to more recent events. After talking with Hammam I finished a small ply wood bullet (an idea stolen from the Richard Hudson show earlier in the year) and then at lunch bumped into Kevin. Kevin runs the metal casting workshops at the collage across the road. As I drink with him and some of the other tutors, he'd agreed to let me use his facilities to recast some of the shrapnel. "Tomorrow afternoon would be great" Kevin said.

Richard Hudson/ Maralyn?

I spent the afternoon filling a suitcase with all the plaster, wood and stone debris off my studio floor. I even smashed two large concrete bullets and started to knock lumps off a large stone I have hidden under my chair. I also wrapped my plaster bullet in razor tape, it needed something, but it still doesn’t work.

Left the studio as it was obvious I was no longer being productive, did my banking, went home had a sandwich and went off to work. "What are you reading" the janitor asked. "The Perfect Crime" by Jean Baudrillard" I replied. "Oh you like that sort of Crime thriller do you; I like that book "The Rats".

I eventually convinced myself not to go down the pub but instead went home and made some notes while Chelsea and Barcelona played.
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(6) Yves Buffetaut“The Battle of Verdun” pp82 (8) pp 80 (7) Jon Stallworthy “The Oxford book of War Poetry” pp193 excerpt from “A strange meeting” by Wilfred Owen.

2006-10-31T00:46:00.000-08:00

As an introduction I would like to give some background information as to why I have decided to write my “Practice in Context” as a blog. In no particular order here are some of my reasons;

The internet was a military invention initiated by the Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency. Blogging was made famous by the invasion of Iraq (Salam Pax "Where is Raed?"). The diary format suits my practice as my practice is informed by my daily “lived existence” (1). I find the essay format too rigid. The world is one of "Virtualisation” (2) yet the diary is a classic form of historical document often more detailed and accurate than later published accounts of historical events. Human history forms an underlying theme to my practice and therefore the blog offers a contemporary form of information capture.

I will attempt to capture my life and practice on a daily/ weekday basis, each morning recording the previous day’s events/ decisions or actions. I will attempt to write the blog without any particular rules except to say that for the purpose of not exceeding the word limit I shall not submit the entire contents of the blog for marking but rather only submit selected extracts. Attempting where appropriate to choose those extracts that indicate some influence within or around my practice. I shall date line each chosen entry to give the reader an idea of time, and if I seem to occasionally venture from the point (if there is a point?) then with the help of Laurence Sterne I offer the following example of, and excuse for, the problem at hand.

“ Could a histographer drive on his history, as a muleteer drives on his mule, - straight forward—for instance from Rome all the way to Loretto, without ever once turning his head aside either to the right hand or to the left,- he might venture to for-tell you to an hour when he should get to his journeys end:--- but the thing is morally speaking, impossible: For if he is a man of the least spirit, he or that party as he goes along, which he can no ways avoid. He his eye, which he can no more help standing still to look at than he can fly: he will moreover have various
Accounts to reconcile
Anecdotes to pick up:
Inscriptions to make out:
Stories to weave in:
Traditions to sift:
Parsonages to call upon:
Panygrics to paste up at this door:
Pasquinades at that: - All which both the man and his mule are exempt from.” (3)

Sterne reminds us that there is no such thing as a beginning, middle and end. Life is too rich and layered to truly capture. As with all Histories and stories they are told from a point of view. That all art is artifice that a conversational style is not a conversation. And most important- that words can not do nearly as much as we should like to think.

The main reason for the blog has to be my own inability to come up with words easily. To prove this I will need to draw upon someone else’s words to substitute as my own. If I can substitute the word "paint” for the phrase “am an artist" then the following is true of me.

"I am an artist and I’m satisfied to let it go at that since I’m by nature tongue tied and only a terrific interest in something can squeeze a few words out of me.”

“Nowadays whenever I listen to Artists who have a way with words, frequently with real astonishment I become a little uneasy about weather I can find language beautiful and spirited enough to convey my enthusiasm and passion for the objects of the visible world. However I have finally calmed myself about this. I’m now satisfied to tell myself, you are an artist, do your job and let those who can, talk." (4)

All of my work of recent has been produced based upon the following premise.

"The world is giving birth to a new time: there is only one question: has the time now come to separate ourselves from the old world? Are we ready for the vita nuova? This is the terrifying question of our age." (5)

I had not been aware of this quotation from Franz Marc until sometime after I had come to the same conclusion myself about our own period in History. It was this feeling of being at a crucial stage of Human existence of having to "separate ourselves from the old world" that already formed the underlying question within my practice. When I read this Quote for the first time, my practice had already taken me to Verdun and on reading this quote I found that Marc himself was killed on that very same battle field.

I have been trying to understand why we seem unable, as a race, to draw back from the brink. Why are we so ready to consume the very earth from under our feet? Are we as human’s pre-programmed and predestined to repeat the same mistakes and actions of mutual (environmental/ military) destruction, driven on by greed, envy, lust, anger, sloth, gluttony and pride.

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(1) Jean Baudrillard “The Perfect Crime, pp 27. Baudrillard is talking about the “automatic writing of the world” and the “illusion of criticism” he suggests that the idea of “an original form of lived existence” is a denial of the “ghostliness” of the new technologies. My lived existence may not be original but it is all that I have, and this debate shows that I am at least aware of the (2) “deep-seated virtualisation of Human beings”( pp 28) and therefore I attempt to filter information and record pain, suffering, love, friendship and conflict as my “lived existence”/ experience. (3) Lawrence Sterne “The Life and opinions of Tristim Shandy, gentleman” pp 34 (4) Max Beckmann “Creative Credo” “Art and theory 1900-2000”pp 270 (5) Franz Marc “forward” to the planned second volume of Der Blaue Reiter. “Art in Theory 1900-2000” pp 159.

October 27th, 28th & 29th
woke up this morning slightly early but remained in bed nursing a delicate stomach. I had returned home last night after a weekend in the Fens at my friend Alex’s family home. The Fens landscape (flat expanse) is a fine example of how the world can change beyond all recognition. 200 years ago “man” drained the land for the purpose of farming, before that it had been a series of small inhabited Islands anywhere as far as 60 miles from the coast as we now know it. The once rich soil is now drying up and the water is again rising. Nature will reclaim what was once natural wetlands and they will have to reopen the long since shut port in Alex’s home town of Chatteris.

30th October
Woke up feeling sorry for my-self and stayed that way all day. Went through the standard routine of University at 8 and in the library until 9. Followed by grabbing a coffee on the way to the studio. I spent the first half an hour of the morning boring Hammam with a speech about how everyone is a cunt and up their own arses, how no one makes anything of interest anymore but instead sit in shop windows exploring the relationship between the artist, the public, and the artists hoop (a slang term for ones arse). Obviously I was talking shit and Hammam looked at me and spoke to me accordingly.

Spent the rest of the day milling around the work shop because of a lack of technicians meant a lack of power, spent some of the rest of my time milling around the computer suit, but all the computers were still down from last week. In between these two fruitless activities I spent time coming up with poor ideas for fund raising for the end of year show.

I finally had 10 minutes with the power on in the work shop before giving the day up as a bad job and returning home for a butty and then on to work.

Work is work and always will be. The one and only benefit of working evenings as a cleaning supervisor in Middleton, is that on quite nights I get to read. Last week it was Marshall McLuhan "War and peace in the Global Village" and last night I started "The Perfect Crime" by Jean Baudrillard. My peace was soon broken. One of the cleaners was complaining because the "6 second Abb" which I had ordered for her on eBay (as a favour because she had no internet access herself) was delivered broken and used. I took it back ready to chase up and mail back out (what am I doing this for?) On the way home through Beeston my car was pelted with eggs and after cleaning the mess off back at home I returned to Baudrillard.

"We have all become ready mades"

No shit, I thought. I can bet that I wouldn't sell for much.

I went to bed and stayed there until the sun returned.